2007-03-14 - 9:57 a.m.
EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it!
You can thank Clay for this one. Actually, you can ultimately thank him (or blame him, whichever) for most of what I write, because it's usually inspired by something he's said, or done, or sang.....but this time, it really is all Clay Aiken's fault! He led me to believe there would be an actual scandal-writing/photo-shopping contest, and so I got to thinking and then some!
I wrangled my frequent partner-in-crime, amy e (of the LBFCA) to photoshop some pics, and she did not disappoint! I do have two pics which are uncredited at this point, so if you recognize them, please let me know the original source and I'll be happy to credit (and plead for their continued use, if need be).
Easter Egg: Hover your mouse to discover the bonus material!
HAS CLAY GONE OFF THE DEEP END?
Somebody alert the Claymates! Their main man, who's gone on network tv to declare that he takes showers, not baths, because "You can drown in a glass of water" has secretly been dipping into dark waters � literally! It seems that Clay Aiken, America's favorite runner-up, has been partaking of regular late-night swims, all across � and even beneath � the continent. Friends are concerned that his growing preoccupation with all things H2O is beginning to affect his health and social life. Meanwhile, his Claymates have been defending their man's reputation as a cute but nerdy guy with a long list of allergies and phobias, with full water immersion at the top of that list!
We've done a little digging into the spikey-haired crooner's water addiction, and were shocked with what we found! A former Hollywood colleague tells how Aquan, er, Aiken first began to hit the beach after winning American Idol. "Clay didn�t like the Hollywood scene, hated going to clubs, so he started spending hours every night surfing. Not the web � the waves!"
Aiken (fourth from left) checks out the twilight surf scene. Friends assure us his backpack contained more than just sunscreen!
It seems Aiken didn't want to be seen at the beach any more than he wanted to be seen at the grocery store, so he started hitting the late-night surf scene. Not only did that protect him from sunburn, but from prying eyes as well. As his friend notes, "His severe water phobia is an important part of the shower-clean image he projects to the public."
But what about the mop topped singer's claims of unathleticism? "It's crazy, I tell you! You'd think he'd have a hard time with such big feet and long legs, but he plants those feet on the board Charlie Chaplin style, and he can surf the biggest waves no problem!"
Why is his friend coming forward now? Why not let the red-headed balladeer surf in peace? "First of all, I think it's crazy to hide from the public that way. Clay could be a role model for all those other geeky kids out there with awkward body types. They're holed up in their rooms, afraid to step outside, focusing all their energy on their studies, when they could be packing up and moving to Hawaii, surfing their days away! It's a tragic waste of potential. Clay should be ashamed."
Aiken has no clue that his friend snapped this pic during his recent publicity jaunt to LA, in the fall of 2006.
He continues, "When he moved back to North Carolina, I was really relieved at first that he was removing himself from the LA scene and all its temptations. Then I remembered that North Carolina is also next to an ocean. Just a different one."
And the Atlantic shores of North Carolina are exactly where the American Idol runner-up's late night dips took a bizarre turn! We caught up with another colleague of the shaggy-haired singer, who spent a month with Aiken on the concert trail this past December.
"It's so bizarre, I don't even know where to begin. I'm only making this public because the man needs serious help. He talks about being happy to be back in The Triangle, but his fans would die if they knew he was referring to the Bermuda Triangle."
The Bermuda Triangle!? Isn't that home to the lost city of Atlantis?
A sigh of desperation. "Clay found it. When he's in town, he's there almost every night, trolling for mermaids." Leave it to the long-haired balladeer to put a new spin on the term, "In-a-net hookup!" But what exactly does it entail?
"He says he mostly watches them, but I think he's started to participate in some of their synchronized swimming rituals. If he gets any deeper into this alternate lifestyle, he's going to grow gills, and he'll never be able to explain that to his fans."
Lucky readers, we did a bit of trolling of our own, and tracked down one of Aiken's spurned fishwives! We met up with the mermaid at a nearby aquarium, where her subhuman wailings were translated into English by a renowned dolphin, a descendant of the legendary Flipper, who later passed a polygraph test.
We've discovered the identity of this dolphin, but she refused to take a polygraph test! What secrets is she hiding?
Read for yourself what the lovely damsel (who chose to remain anonymous) had to say through bubble-filled eyes:
"He nice man. Hair like golden seaweed. Long limbs very graceful underwater. Me happy he ask dance. He forceful dance partner. Always want dance underwater. Me want dance above. He strong manly." She wiped a bubble from her eye as she continued. "We finish dance. He smile with pearls. Me smile back. Me never see again." Her previously sorrowful bubbles turned to fury when told of her ex's public claims of avoiding water at all costs, "He lie! Me so angry me could exhale!"
Our mermaid source provided this pic of Aiken interacting with one of her friends!!! They look pretty cozy in spite of the chilly water!
It's quite a fishtale to be certain, but it begs an important question: To what extremes could the much-maligned singer's obsession go? We showed our evidence and recent photographs of Aiken to Greta Lyre, a leading internet expert on paranormal addiction. "With his extremely pale skin, my first inclination was that he's a vampire, except his eyeteeth are too small. Furthermore, he also clearly suffers from periodic bloating of the gill area, which is the true hallmark of an aquaphile. You can tell just from looking at him! There's simply no other explanation for his appearance, unless he wants to convince people that he has some Irish heritage and an assortment of food sensitivies."
Lyre is clearly convinced, and she hasn't even heard the latest shocking twist in the Aiken Saga! His tour buddy states, "I'd never betray Clay's trust unless I had serious concerns about his health." He took a deep breath and continued, "Every night on the tour, when we'd get to the hotel, he'd bribe some latenight clerk into letting him in the pool area. He'd just lie in the water for hours. One night, he came down with a severe case of water-in-the-ear. He tried everything to self-medicate. Sleeping on one side then the other, banging the side of his head, holding both nostrils and blowing his nose. He tried to get me to pour candlewax in his ear, and I refused! I told him to see his doctor. But he was too embarrassed to tell the doctor what was really going on, so he was diagnosed with vertigo. This is nuts! I'm not covering for him any longer! Clay needs to take the first step and admit to himself that he�s an aquaphile. Help is available. He shouldn't be living with this secret."
Aiken is lost in his own thoughts and unaware his colleague snapped this picture last December!
We wholeheartedly agree! It's time for Aiken to step out of the water closet and admit the truth! In 2007 there should be no shame in coming up for air. Aiken is legendary for sending coded messages via his official fanclub blogs, so fans eagerly looked for secret meanings in a recent request from their idol for a "surfboard (he) could borrow." You don't need to be a world-class crytographer to crack that code! Was Aiken deliberately acting in a brazen and wreckless fashion or was he desperately crying out to be understood by the fans who mean so much to his career? Just who is in denial anyway?
Says his pal in LA, "Clay comes from a long line of nonswimmers, and he's afraid his mother would disown him if she found out the truth. He always told her the pool in LA came with the house, and he kept it clean for his friends' sake." He shakes his head. "He lied about it so easily."
His friend in North Carolina offers a different perspective, "Totally it's because of his fans. They have this ideal image of Clay as a man in water wings. Some relate to him because they're aquaphobes themselves, and others want to rescue him in the event of a possible drowning. I don't know if they're ready for the real Clay: a man who would love to hang out at the beach wearing nothing but swim trunks and sunscreen."
Which begs another question: Is anybody ready for that?
We leave the final word for his eloquent mermaid, who forlornly fondled her conch shell as she remembered her moonlit rendezvous with the beloved reality show contestant. Via the dolphin: "Me not hate. Me hurt. Me just want apology." She pauses tenderly and discreetly checks the sound of the ocean on her shell phone. "Belugas suck pondwater!"
(ed. notes: We�re not sure if that last comment came from the mermaid or the dolphin, but because it may be a coded message for Clay to come clean, we've taken an unprecedented step in printing it without secondary verification.
We contacted Clay Aiken for comment, but he declined as he was busy rescuing a neighbor�s kitten from a tree.)
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