2005-07-04 - 12:50 p.m.
LET’S KEEP THOSE POSTS POSITIVE, Y’ALL!
or
CLAY’S PANTS – OFFERING US A TOOL FOR DISCUSSION
Over at Clay Aiken’s Official Fan Board, a little battle among fan factions seems to be brewing. Now, Clay’s fan base has to rank as one of the most diverse ever. For one thing, he appeals to a lot of age groups. I myself stumbled over a few “teenybopper” sites before I found the Lecherous Broads and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Yay! Grown women who know how to spell and f*ck! ***
(Betcha didn’t see that one coming!)
Hang on. Now I’m all distracted again. But it does bring me to my other point. Which is, not every grown woman wants to f*ck Clay Aiken. Some really do just want to bake him cookies and give him a hug. Others love his music and enjoy analyzing his career path. Still others truly believe that their God has brought him into their lives for a very special purpose. (Not to be confused with the same euphemistic phrase from the classic Steve Martin comedy THE JERK.) But can all these women, along with an assortment of teenage girls, coexist peacefully in the same arena? Apparently not, if there’s no concert to distract us. Heck, even in the concert arena, I’ve had a few looks and gasps directed at me when I’ve outed myself as a Broad.
(Side note: I addressed the issue of Clay’s diverse fan base in skit form, which can be found here: Elimigreet. It’s funny.)
Positive posters.
Negative posters.
Optimists.
Pessimists.
Idealistic fans.
Realistic fans.
Lots of labels being thrown around, but all very black and white ones. Is there any gray area?
Clay himself has said that he’s neither a glass half-empty nor glass half-full kinda person, he just knows there’s water in the glass. (Does he have some milk-free years we don’t know about?) Me? I’m more of a "For pete’s sake, who washed this glass? There’s still crud on the bottom!" kinda person. Or maybe an "I’ve told you a thousand times that if you left your glass so close to the edge of the table, you were going to knock it over!" kind of person. Curiously, I’m not a "here let me get you a coaster for your glass" kind of person. (In case you’re wondering what this all means, I’m a big know-it-all who likes to avoid messes whenever possible, but who doesn’t really worry about the little things.)
I’m very grey. I’m a donkey, for pete’s sake.
A nice ass. That’s me. I can be very, very sweet, but I can also be a sarcastic bitch when I feel like it. Clay Aiken has actually made me a nicer person, and I really haven’t posted too many negative things about the man. Yes, he’s ticked me off on occasion, mainly with his touring patterns, but he’ll always be the most beautiful man on the planet, and his voice will always turn me into a pile of goo, EVEN when I’m ticked off at him. So I mostly think about getting nekkid with him and somehow entwining my short stumpy limbs into his long, luscious ones. Gives me something to think about while I WAIT FOR NEWS ON HIS UPCOMING CD.
Ahem.
But I’m not just a raving clack-starved sex maniac. I’m also a mathematician. Now, math is a very black and white subject, which AHA! deals with both positive and negative numbers and directions.
On a standard x-y grid, positive numbers are graphed either to the right or up; negative numbers point left or down. And don’t you agree that up and down are so much easier to understand than left and right, which change depending upon which direction you’re facing? And doesn’t it follow logically that a positive post is a post pointing up while a negative post is a post pointing down?
Now, I don’t know whether Clay’s personal post is pointing up or down at this very minute, but hey, he is on vacation. I am pretty positive that he doesn’t go around with his post pointing up all the time. Does this make Clay a predominantly negative poster or just a realistic one? And could I be considered an idealist because I like to imagine predominantly positive posts in my Clay fantasies, or would some still call me a negative fan because I once remarked that Clay shouldn’t bring up his mother in every interview? Speaking of which, the mention of his mother pretty well guarantees a negative post. On Clay’s part anyway.
All this just begs the question(s): Are positive posters really just closet smutters? They often say they’re following Clay’s lead, but are they actually trying to cleverly lead him in the direction they’d like him to go? Do they even appreciate the fact that a constantly positive post means less blood flow to the brain? Are those dancing bananas and other smiley emoticons at the end of a post really just coded messages for the number and quality of orgasms on the part of the poster? Man. I’ve seen some real braggers.
But maybe I’m just projecting again. (Remember, Eeyore, not every woman wants to f*ck him.) Clearly, Clay can’t walk around with a constant erection to keep us all thinking happy thoughts. (Although a third glimpse this summer would be appreciated. And charming.)
Maybe I need to give this whole left-right thing another look. Let’s follow Clay’s lead, and view things from Clay’s perspective, shall we? Well, whaddya know? The post IS usually pointing to the right, or positive, side. Still, the left/negative side is not ignored entirely, and is often seen in jeans. And who can forget that middle ground which seemed to jump into prominence in the PANTS! of perfection during the JNT? Nothing neutral about that, no sir. His PANTS! may have been black, but the position of his post was in a most lovely shade of grey area, which makes perfect sense, considering the naughty thoughts many of us had while Clay sang about the baby Jesus. He was clearly okay with that, as his own saint and sinner waged their battle within those PANTS!.
Phew.
Has anybody gained any insight from this discussion? No? Let me see if I can sum it all up:
Ideally, everything in the Clay Nation would be upbeat and positive. It’s fun and easy to keep things upbeat and positive in a fantasy world. So that’s where I spend most of my time.
In the real world, where Clay has a real career and makes real music on real tours and maybe even has a real girlfriend because thousands of fantasy girlfriends don’t give him any real satisfaction, things can sometimes appear negative. But they’re really just more realistic.
Clay’s all about a more balanced presentation anyway. Which gives us all a lot more to talk about, even if we occasionally disagree.
Isn’t he awesome?
p.s. In the interest of keeping things balanced here, I promise to write another skit real soon. Clay just needs to do something first. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to make something up.
*** Although most members of the LBFCA would like to f*ck Clay Aiken, they don’t actually use such crude terminology. I’m a proud Broad, but the views given here don’t necessarily reflect the views of the LBFCA as a whole or as a sum of its parts. Just my crude parts.
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