2006-11-08 - 8:34 a.m.
Well looky here! It seems my muse has awoken, and if after reading this, anyone thinks I'm somehow obsessed with the idea of Clay blogging while wearing nothing but pajamas and a ponytail, well....give yourself two bonus points. *g*
Blog's Anatomy
Sunday, November 5, 2006. Clay is stretched out on the couch in his rec room in Raleigh, still in his pajamas, sleeping. Mary is sitting on the floor at one end of the couch, with an open bottle of nail polish on the coffee table in front of her, while Kristy is on the other end, near Clay's feet. While their host snores away, Kristy and Mary are both watching some TIVOed episodes of their favorite soap opera, Days of Our Lives.
Kristy is methodically typing away on his laptop. Mary has just finished painting Clay?s toenails, when she grabs his hand and starts to slap some polish on his thumbnail. The commotion causes Clay to startle and sit up.
Clay: What the?.? What are you doing? Stay away from my ring.
Mary: Oh, like I?d want your dorky thumb ring anyway.
Clay: It?s not dorky; it?s hip. (Looks down to admire it, and notices the nailpolish.) HEY! Pervert!
Kristy: Quit kicking me!
Clay: It serves you right for letting Mary paint my finger?HEY! What are you doing with my laptop? Give it!
Kristy: I?m blogging for you.
Clay: WHAT!?
Kristy: You know, blogging, that thing you haven?t done for about, oh, 76 days now.
Mary: And don?t be saying that you can?t log in. Everybody saw your name pop up on the new members list over a week ago.
Clay: I?m not even talking to you. (He sits up and notices his hair is in a ponytail.) Okay, which one of you is responsible for this? (He grabs the end of his ponytail and looks at both, but neither woman answers. Mary is painting her own nails and Kristy is still hunting and pecking away.) And give me back my laptop already! How did you know my password anyway?
Kristy: I didn?t even need it. It was seriously freaky. I'm surprised we didn't wake you up, because believe me, Mary and I were both totally freaking out.
Mary: Seriously, Clay, it was the weirdest thing I ever saw. It?s like the computer just sprang to life on its own, like in that War Games movie.
Kristy: What was the name of that computer? Jordan or something?
Mary: No, Joshua. Did you ever see that movie, Clay, where the computer came to life and started to talk and send missles and play tic-tac-toe? That?s exactly what happened with your laptop, well, except it wasn?t trying to bomb anyone. It started to kind of shake on the coffee table, and make sounds and stuff, and when we opened it up to see what it was doing, it was all logged on to your blog account, and the screen kept flashing brighter and faster until Kristy typed something in.
Kristy: Yeah, it was major freaky seeing your computer come to life, but not as freaky as that talking Chucky puppet.
Mary: Oooh, tell me about it. I can?t stand talking dolls. Dude, did you ever see that talking Timmy doll on Passions?
Kristy: Oh my god! Like that could ever even happen in real life! That soap opera has the weirdest story lines ever!
Mary: I know! It?s nothing like Days of Our Lives. I love how they stick to the classics, like amnesia, kidnappings, long-lost children, getting stranded after a plane crash.
Kristy: Don?t forget the evil twins!
Clay: Yeah, who could forget the evil twins? (Glares at them both in turn, and takes a barrette out of his hair, but keeps the ponytail in.)
Mary: Well, they did get a little carried away with the whole Satan thing.
Clay: What Satan thing?
Mary: A few years ago Satan came to Salem, to like gather up his witches or something, except it was the wrong Salem.
Kristy: No he did not. Remember? Pam saw Bobby in the shower and they realized the whole thing was just a dream?
Mary: Pam and Bobby? Dude, it was John who saw Marlena in the shower, which caused Roman to get his memory back.
Clay: This is the show I?m going on?
Kristy: Yes!! And I for one can?t wait to go to LA and meet the cast! Patch is such a cutie.
Clay: You?re not going anywhere until you give me that laptop. What have you written anyway? (Reads along.) Where have I been, okay, good title, lost my password, yada yada, that's true, lazy and irresponsiWHAT? Why would I admit to being lazy and irresponsible? (Kristy giggles a bit as he tries to delete what she?s written. The computer won?t let him.) Oh great. Are you happy now? It?s not letting me erase anything you?ve typed, and you?ve got at least three typos in just the first two lines.
Kristy: So sorry, Mr. Teacher.
Clay: Well, now I guess I'm obligated to finish this thing, typos and all. (Leans down to start typing, and his too-long bangs fall into his face. He finds the barrette at his feet and clips it back into his hair.) Not one word. (He stretches out his fingers and begins to type.) Okay, I guess I'd better say what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks. I remember doing Megan's show. And Tyra's show was a hoot. (Stares into space for a moment, which explains his misspelling of "you" as "yo.") Do they have a date for that yet? I can't remember, so I'll just gloss right over it. Geeze, I can't remember what I've been doing. Help me out here, guys.
Mary: I can't remember what you've been doing either, but I know where I'm going to be next week.
Mary and Kristy (in unison): At a private party for Patch and Kayla! Eeeeeee!
Clay: (Talking as he types) Mary and Kristy will be stalking some of their favorite fictional characters next week. Maybe one of you fans will be enthusiastic enough to start a thread with proven stalking tips to help them out.
Mary: You did not just type that!
Clay: Oh yes I did. Check it out. HA HA! Made ya look.
Mary: Brat.
Kristy: Complete spectacles? You think we're gonna be complete spectacles?
Clay: If the shoe fits.....(looks down at his foot and notices nail polish on all his toes) HEY! Mary, did you do this?
Mary: Do you like them? They're striped.
Clay: (Notices the alternating colors.) Oh yeah, that's kinda cool. Okay, back to the blog. What else is happening? I know! Regis and Kelly (types a few lines), my Christmas EP (types a bit more).
Kristy: Don't forget the new Bubel Aiken sorority thing.
Clay: I told you, it's a fraternity, and I've already typed it so you can't change it. Nyah. Crap. I should really do a link to the site, but I don't know if it'll let me edit later if I mess it up.
Kristy: (pulling out her cellphone) You'd better do it right, or I'm gonna post this pic on the BAF homepage. (snaps the camera)
Clay: You would not dare! Delete that right now!
Kristy: Okay. (presses a few buttons) It's not like I don't have any others lying around here, just sayin'. Better get linking, Mr. Aiken.
Clay: Just remember who has your plane ticket to LA.
Mary: That would be me.
Clay: (under breath) Crap. (louder) I think my link is just fine though, so I'd better not be seeing any of your compromising pics on-line. Two can play that game, missy.
Mary: If you're gonna talk about Kristy's stuff, don't forget to mention the symphony tour we'll be doing next month.
Clay: I'm already on it. (Does his best Michael Scott impression.) That's what she said!!
Kristy: You are so lame sometimes.
Clay: Y'know, it's amazing I can get anything done around here, considering all the support you guys give me.
Mary: Awww, poor thing, let me make you a sandwich. Ooooh, can't. I forgot about the twisty ties. Sorry.
(Kristy and Mary laugh uproariously. Clay just shakes his head at them.)
Clay: Crap again! I started a sentence using the word "much" and now I can't remember what I was going to say. Something about "much goodwill is sure to be had" or something clever like that. Quick. Someone give me a sentence that starts with much and talks about Christmas.
Mary: Much work for Mary.
Kristy: Much ado about nothing.
Mary: Ha. Ha.
Kristy: Instead of much, you could say "mucho" and say very good in Spanish. How do you say good? Bono or something?
Clay: Bono is the lead singer of U2. I think it's bieno.
Mary: Naaaah, I think that's French. Oh my god, how do you say good in Spanish?
Clay: (typing) Much-o. Good-o.
Kristy: No, I think it's more like bono or bueno or something.
Clay: Crap! It is bueno! And I just wrote Mucho Goodo in my blog. Oh well, it's not like my fans will make fun of me because of it. I'll just tell them how much I love them and how I don't deserve their support. Then anything else I say is just filler anyway.
Mary: Did you remember to thank them for buying your album?
Clay: (hitting the submit button) Ooops.
Kristy: Look! It's loaded on the page. Let me read it.
Mary: Scootch over. I'll help you find all his typos. Oh my goodness, where to begin, there are like three in the first two lines.
Kristy: Um, those were mine, remember?
Mary: Don't worry, dude. It looks like your boy has you beat. And what's this? "If you're gonna be in New York." Nice fragment, Clay.
Clay: Is that what y'all are calling it now?
Mary: Calling wha...EWWWWW.
Kristy: Gross, Clay! Like we sit around talking about that all day.
Clay: Some people do.
Kristy: Well, maybe Mary and I will have to find a chat room to join.
Mary: Forget chat rooms, it's gonna be the subject of my dissertation.
Kristy: Maybe I'll even make a movie about it.
Clay: Enough, enough, I get it already.
Kristy and Mary: (in unison) That's what she said. (They look at each other and burst out laughing.) Jinx!
Clay: How original. Would one of you please unjinx yourself long enough to check out my link and tell me if it's working?
Kristy: I thought we weren't allowed to talk about that anymore?
Mary: Bwah! Good one.
Clay: (exasperated) Just click on the BetaAlpha link, please! (Mary does so.) Ha! It's working just fine. I guess my fans will just have to wait to see me with a ponytail after all.
Kristy: Dude, check it! (pokes Mary toward the bigscreen TV) Hope just woke up from her coma!
Mary: Awesome! Oh no! Now Bo's fallen into a coma!
Clay: And another angel gets its wings. (shakes his head) Later guys.
Kristy: Where are you going?
Clay: To find Bo and see where I can get me one of them comas they got going around. (starts to pull the elastic out of his hair, catches his reflection in a mirror and decides to keep it) Hmmmm, maybe I should grow my hair even longer......do you think I could pass for Steve's long-lost evil twin?
Mary: Triplet. (looks at him closely) Huh, maybe. Kristy and I will make an eyepatch and then we'll tell you for sure. (They run out of the room.)
Clay: Hmmmm, an eyepatch and a ponytail. I may have finally found a replacement disguise for my bucket hat......
Be sure to tune in to next week's Regis and Kelly to see if fantasies really do come true.
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
