2005-06-04 - 11:08 p.m.

Clay Aiken made an appearance on the Dr. Phil show in April. He looked totally hawt and adorable and sounded smart and sincere. I fell in love with him just a little harder that day.

Two of the best Broads going, Wendy and Katynka wrote a very amusing LBFCA MainPage commemorating his appearance, in which they made a passing reference to Jan Brady.

In the meantime, dates for Clay’s upcoming JukeBox Tour were dribbling out in spits and spurts, but nothing seemed forthcoming for the West Coast. So I started getting nervous, and possibly a little pissed off, as I really just couldn’t figure out why Clay seemed to hate us so.

Driving home that night, something happened:

Good Gawd, y'all, can't a person take a nap around here? [Keep in mind that "take a nap" is not a euphemism for record a kickass CD or sit on my ass while my mom decorates my house, but rather a euphemism for keep quiet in my little corner and observe Clay and his preferred fans from a safe distance. And no, that's not gentle snark, but a message to Clay that he can go, um, love himself. And yes, that's a euphemism too, but at this point, it's not like I can drive the man away. Besides, if he lets me film it, I'll never bother him for anything else ever again.]

[editorial note: I continued my post by gushing over the Wentynka’s creativity, which never fails to astound me.] But amongst your wit and hawt screencaps, you've also provided me with an epiphany.

The Northwest is the Jan Brady of the United States.

It makes total sense. We're Jan, and the Midwest is Marcia. But wait. That doesn't quite work. First of all, the Midwest is the middle of the country. Secondly, Clay also loves him some east coast, and despite the fantasies of teenage boys everywhere in the 70s, we can't have two Marcias, can we?

So then I had my real epiphany. Ready? Okay. Marcia is the east coast, since she's the oldest. Jan, the middle child, represents the Midwest. But wait. Isn’t she supposed to be unloved and ignored? Clearly there must be a twist. Think, Eeyore, think. Aha! Clay is a self-proclaimed middle child, and he and Jan Brady have an awful lot in common ~ poor vision, questionable athletic skills, and a propensity for wearing ill-advised brunette wigs and entering singing competitions. Obviously, Clay totally relates to Jan and has gone overboard in making sure the middle child of the US is NOT ignored! *shivers with skeery vision of Glenn Close and a bunny*

So the Northwest isn't Jan, but is in fact Cindy. Yes, Cindy. Remember Cindy Brady? The tag-along little sister? Cute for about a year, but as soon as she outgrows the curls, you and the producers realize she's really just annoying, and actually makes you physically ill on occasion? So you kinda just keep her in the background and focus the show on the rivalry of the two hotter, older sisters?

So I whined a little more with my epiphany, and then realized I'm nothing if not a font of knowledge on all things Brady. I consoled myself when I remembered that as adults, Marcia became an alcoholic, Jan struggled with her marriage and fertility, and Cindy became a popular kick*ss radio DJ. Sure, she was still relegated to the kids table with all her nieces and nephews at Thanksgiving, and she was probably still a virgin, but she kicked *ss all the same. And she got to interview all kinds of hot rock stars at the studio.

Now I'm just going to sit back and wait about twenty years. Then I'll get mine.

*crosses fingers that I really am Cindy and not Oliver because then someone would really have to be hurt, and I'm not making any promises, but it would likely be Nick*

So I’ve only met her once, but I thought she was my friend. Yet CZ issues me a challenge that is not only difficult but tempting as well. Not only because of my self-proclaimed cleverness, but also because it involves the Brady boyz. Hiphuggers, platform shoes, bad perms. *sigh* Gotta love the 70s, baby. So just how do the Brady Boyz equate to Canadian cities, and how might that offer us all any insight into why Clay is avoiding them?

Well, CZ, since there are only three Brady Boyz, they’re each going to represent a territory and not a city, just like the Brady beyotches, er, gurrls. First, since Greg, the Alpha male, believes the world revolves around him, he’s obviously Ontario. He didn’t really encompass Northern Ontario until about season three, when he moved to the attic and became a criminal [The infamous goat-stealing. Baaaaaaad Greg. Yet somehow Carmen still ended up on stage in SLC]. The producers never mentioned why a young man Greg’s age may need so much privacy, but we all know what he was doing up there, don’t we? Especially when that idiot Bobby kept ruining his dates and leaving him to his own devices. [aha! for my insight into what all those people in northern ontario are doing during the long, hard winters]

Peter thankfully had a mysterious look-alike. It was only for one episode, but it was an important point to our plot, because he represents both Atlantic Canada and the Prairies. The real Peter is beautiful to look at, but basically unemployable, and the lookalike is just vacant space. Peter is not nearly as threatening as Greg, because he really has no idea what he’s doing most of the time, nor does he understand just how hawt he is.

So that brings us to the West and yes, the only person on the entire show who was more annoying than his little sister Cindy ~ Bobby. Didn’t you just want to reach into the screen and strangle him half the time? Especially when he ruined Greg’s dates with his shenanigans involving amphibians and retractable roofs? And worst of all, Bobby always thought he was the coolest, when he so clearly wasn’t!

Is is any wonder that Clay is afraid of Bobby when even our own Prime Minister doesn’t want to visit us?. Not afraid actually, but just wanting to stay away from the obnoxiousness. Greg and Peter are maybe a little too threatening with their perms and tight bellbottoms. Maybe it reminds Clay of what he once was, and what he never wants to be again. So rest assured, CZ, that as soon as Clay is ready to slide those long legs and, ahem, other parts, back into a pair of super tight, possibly white ::crosses fingers:: hip-huggers, he’ll be coming to Ontario. Northern Ontario for when he needs that special alone time. And then maybe he’ll also visit the Peter territories. If he even remembers Peter. [well, he should after having that alone time, but honestly, i can’t remember a single peter episode, except for that look-alike vampire costume one. and i consider myself a peter fan. he’s certainly very pretty, but a peter really has to do something special to stand above the crowd and be noticed.]

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