2005-06-24 - 11:23 p.m.
I AM a True Fan, I Don’t Care What Anyone Else Thinks
Clay Aiken’s O-fficial FanClub will be launching on June 28, 2005. I don’t know exactly what we’ll be getting, except for those t-shirts. *crosses fingers for a brand new sexay picture* I do know it’s got to be a whole lot better than what I’ve gotten so far for my nearly fifty-seven Canadian dollars, which is essentially...nothing. Oh, yes, I’ve received several e-mails reminding me that I’m eligible for ticket pre-sales. Too bad the concerts are all over two thousand miles away.
And I guess technically I’ve got access to the message board, but since it wasn’t clearly spelled out that fan club "username" was a code word for message board "screenname," and that I would never be able to change it, not in a million years, they probably have a better chance of mating a cat with a dog, I quickly typed in my actual first and last names in an unusual display of fangirlie zeal to be one of the "first five hundred!"
*sigh*
Yeah. Not really comfortable posting with my real name out there, especially knowing the "Listworthy" behavior of some of Clay’s very enthusiastic fans. Yes, I did try to change it. No, they didn’t let me. Doing that would have caused the entire message board system to implode AND prevent me from getting in on those awesome ticket pre-sales. And not just Clay’s presales, mind you, but the presales of every other artist in whose fan-club I have an active membership.
But when I finish whining about my plight (HA! Like that will ever happen!), I have to ask myself, Do I really even want to post there? First, I get lost in that one-billion threads and counting "structure." Second, I haven’t really decided on a pic for my avatar. Third, I can’t keep track of everybody. I mean, I read some posts there, and I can’t even tell if the person is being serious or snarky. Sorry, Clay, but I’ve read some pretty crazy shit over there, and the dishers of it often seem sincere in their presentations.
(Aside.) Remember when Constantine wore that Justin Guarini t-shirt for one of his American Idol performances? And it was like, "OMG, that is so totally snarky! I may not like his singing, but I LOVE his sense of humor." I never thought for a nano-second that Justin was Connie’s all-time favorite performer, or that Connie was showing some solidarity for his brother-in-song who was screwed over royally by RCA. He was obviously poking fun at AI and embracing the cheese with his choice of costume.
Hey, speaking of bizarre costumes...Clay’s fans have also been known to wear some pretty funky crap to his concerts. And you never know until you talk to them whether they’re wearing it because they figure looking ridiculous is a sure-fire way to catch Clay’s attention (a hint: if all your friends are wearing blinkies, and you're not, he’ll probably notice you), or if they’re wearing it to make fun of the people who dress ridiculously to catch his attention. My rule of thumb is to just turn my head and pretend I don’t see them when I walk past.
That’s how it is with the message boards. ( Let me take a moment here to admire the beautiful circularity of my argument so far. Ahhhhh.) I honestly cannot believe that other people believe some of the crap they post. So it’s probably best for me to stay away from them. You just can’t argue with some people, and you can’t show them the illogic of their ways. I’ve seen others try and fail time and again. I admire their efforts.
But do I really want to get involved in that? It could be very frustrating. But then I think, It just looks like so much fun! I mean, I kinda like arguing. I’m one of those people who feels she can out-argue anybody. Clay’s another one of those people. This is why I’m always begging for a chance to take on Clay Aiken. I literally dream arguments with him. Hot, fun arguments, but arguments still the same. This one time, I even challenged him physically, but woke up before we engaged in any....blows.
One of my favorite quotes from Learning to Sing, (yes, I’m too lazy to look this up, so I’m totally paraphrasing) is when he says that you have to treat the people you don’t really know extra nicely, because if you make them mad, they "might leave the room and never give you a chance to win the argument." Yes, I quoted that last part when I probably shouldn’t have, but that line totally stuck with me. When I first read it, I did that total Monica Geller "I know!" thing. I may have even said that aloud, instead of just responding internally to Clay like I usually do.
Sorry, I’m having to pause again, as I try to connect that last bit about "responding internally" to the "active member..." bit from the third paragraph.
Aaaaaaaannnddd...done.
Now where was I? Arguing. Yes, I’d love to argue with Clay in the same way that I’d love to argue with some of his fans. Well, except the arguments with Clay would end in some sexual activity, and the arguments with his fans would very likely result in some eye-rolling and a fervent wish that I not run into said fans at any future concerts in my area. (How thoughtful of Clay to offer me double-protection. "Now, I don't want you ticking off my other amazing fans, so it's probably best you don't talk to them at all. But just to be safe, I'll schedule all my concerts far, far away." HA! Has he never heard of plane tickets?)
Of course, my main argument with either would be on this whole religion thing. I can’t stand the fans that try to define Clay’s religion for him, or the fans who question his commitment to his religion, and especially the fans who "neener neener neener, Clay and I share a deep spiritual connection that you never will" at the rest of us. Bitches.
And Clay, c’mon, how do you not understand atheists? It’s not a difficult concept. Seriously. Where you believe in a higher power and an eternal life, we don’t. You think your soul will live forever in some heaven (not to be confused by the AI4 coronation song, where heaven is a euphemism for a female body part, but which, if you think about it, would be kinda funny), and I think we’ll all just turn to dust or compost, depending on our wishes. Most every atheist I know lives a very "moral" life and practices the golden rule. (I think it’s because we don’t have that special "Sin now, repent later" clause to forgive us our trespassings.)
I wrote this next blurb for a previous skit preamble, and I think it bears repeating here, if only to shift gears and avoid getting anyone overly rankled by my last sentence (which is based in part by someone telling me that Jeffrey Dahmer would be going to heaven, since he’d accepted Christ as his Saviour, while I would be rotting in hell. Thank you, Miss Ambassador for Your Religion. I still haven’t changed my mind.) Anyway, here’s my fantasy interaction with Clay, to be published in the next edition of Learning to Sing:
Clay: That’s too bad about atheists.
Ass: I think they’re fine with the choices they’ve made.
Clay: Well, I just think people could be doing more so that those poor atheists and their children didn’t have to live with no faith or opinions. That’s just not right.
Ass: Y’know, Clay, the vast majority of atheists come from a background of faith, and they’ve usually made their decision to turn away from it after a lot of reflection.
Clay: Maybe YWT was too subtle.
Ass: We recognize bibles and crosses, Clay.
Clay: No you don’t or you’d understand.
Ass: No. YOU don’t understand, you said so in your book! Don’t be an idiot.
Clay: YOU’re being the idiot.
Ass: Oh my god.
Clay: No, MY god.
(Long pause.)
Clay: So you wanna have sex?
(Actually, my fantasy arguments are generally longer and involve much better vocabulary, but if he likes to keep it short and sweet so we get to the sex even faster, that’s fine by me.)
My other main argument with some of the posters at the Official Fan Club message board has to do with certain fans defining themselves as TRUE FANS and others as either trolls or hatahs or lesser fans. These folks define a TRUE FAN as one who finds everything that Clay Aiken has ever done, said, sang, worn, or thought, either publicly or privately (because they have such deep insight that they know there are certain things he would "never do") as UTTER PERFECTION.
Now, I love Clay Aiken. I know I do. I think about him all the time. I care about his happiness, health, and safety. I want him to be successful. I want him to be respected by the music industry and the population at large. I also think he’s incredibly handsome and sexy, as well as extremely intelligent and clever, which further increases his sexiness. First and foremost, however, I’m a HUGE FAN of his VOICE.
Ahhhh, the VOX. What an incredible instrument. I wrote him a letter once, well, twice actually, but I gave a copy directly to Jerome, and Clay never replied to it, not that I was expecting him to or anything, but it woulda been cool if he had, and in this letter, I described his voice as somehow "soothing and uplifting at the same time." His voice moves me in ways I never thought possible. (Literally. I’ve traveled the country in a bid to hear that instrument live.) But yes, it moves me in ways that most of his fans have experienced but can never adequately explain. My heart beats faster, my knees go weak, and my nethers get all kindsa tingly. I sigh frequently and can’t concentrate enough to remember my own phone number. I plan to listen to his voice every day for the rest of my life.
I love the voice AND the man. I AM a Clayfan, dammit! And I don’t want someone telling me I’m not because I also think he can probably be a bit of a diva, or maybe even an asshole at times. I love my husband to pieces, and believe me, he can be a total ass when he wants to (it’s a family thing). I also think Clay is probably way less innocent than certain people believe and that he enjoys some of the clever smut created on his behalf. I don’t really care whether he’s a virgin or not, but my best guess is that he probably isn’t. I imagine he masturbates as frequently as any other man his age, and if he ain't getting laid, even more. I certainly think a disputed picture is real as he clearly likes boobs, but I also think he enjoys looking at a nice round ass on occasion. I truly admire Clay for his humanitarian efforts, but honestly, if he didn’t have the whole BAF/Unicef thing happening, it wouldn’t affect the way I feel about him one iota. I wouldn’t love him any more or less as a person, and I certainly wouldn’t love him more or less as a singer.
I loved Clay’s book, and feel I gained some insight into what makes him tick, but I really wish he wouldn’t mention his mother in every freakin’ interview. In fact, Clay should be happy that he cut that mini-mullet when he did, allowing me to put my scissors away, because not only would I have cut off those unsightly ends, I would have snipped those apron strings and that bracelet for good measure. Clay, you’re a grown man. You’re smart and educated and need to be accountable for your own decisions. Your mother and family and religion have taught you many worthwhile lessons, which you’ve clearly taken to heart. You wrote all about them, remember? So start living those lessons, and maybe even questioning them or adapting them a little bit, figuring out for yourself how to carve out a life and a career and a relationship without needing constant references and reminders. Just use an occasional post-it note if you think you’ll be tempted to do something you know is wrong or that you might regret later. (Oh god, I can just picture a little post-it at the foot of the stage, "Don’t ask your fans for blow jobs.") But if you think it would be kinda fun to do something you may regret later, you've got my number. Not that I'm telling you what to do or anything. I adore you as is. Really.
So yeah, now I know some people are probably thinking I’m not a very good fan, or at least not as good a fan as they are.
But I am.
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