2005-07-08 - 12:33 a.m.
July 6, 2005
Hmmm….Clay’s been “napping” most of the year, but he needed a few days’ vacation. Yes, I know, he spent a handful of days filming some television appearances, a couple of weekends on BAF/VFC business, and two weeks traveling as a Unicef Ambassador. I certainly hope he also spent a few weeks rehearsing for and then recording a totally kickass CD, so that it can be released later this year. What is that? Maybe six, eight weeks total work time? This year is 27 weeks old, and I’ve worked 40+ hours a week for 26 of ‘em. Lord knows I need a vacation, which I’ll be taking at the end of July, and then again at the end of August, when I’ll be visiting my boyfriend at work. I hope he doesn’t mind me dropping by unexpectedly. Although…..the following scenario is possible:
Nick: Whatcha doin’?
Clay: I’m working. Don’t you have a dog to walk or something?
Nick: I’ve already walked Raleigh and I even put that load of whites into the dryer. C’mon, let’s play some video games.
Clay: I told you I’m busy.
Nick: Doing what?
Clay: Real work.
Nick: Hey. You’re the one who made up this job, not me. So give me something to do. Sir.
Clay (sighing): Fine. Maybe you can help me comb through these lists. But I better not see you punching any of mah bitc…er, fans’ phone numbers into your cellphone.
Nick: I’ve told you a hundred times that they make me take them. They check over my shoulder and everything to make sure I get the numbers just right. Your fans are very, um, determined. (under breath) Some of them scare me.
Clay (sighs): Aren’t they the best?
Nick: You don’t have to deal with them the way I do. Anyway, what are you doing with these lists? Some of the names are highlighted.
Clay: Yeah. Jerome’s already done some cross-referencing. Some very special fans will be getting some very special meet-n-greets.
Nick: So these are the meet-n-greet lists?
Clay: Yup.
Nick: Ohhhh. But (pointing to a highlighted name) she’s, um, isn’t that fan on “The List?”
Clay: You bet she is. Number seven.
Nick: And you’re giving her a meet and greet? Dude, she’s sniffed you and groped you, she’s offered blowjo…., um, special services to me, Jerome, Jacob, and even Sarge!
Clay: I know, I know.
Nick: And yet you’re going to meet her again?
Clay: Of course not! I told you, she’s getting a very special meet-n-greet. With Fran. HA! There, she’ll be sentenced to some kind of community service and served with a restraining order. We’ve got some very oh-fficial looking Clay Nation stationary. HAHA! I love all the perks my fan club offers.
Nick: Whew. You had me worried for a second. I thought maybe all that napping had turned your brains soft.
Clay: Nope. Nothin’ soft about me.
Nick: So what are we supposed to be doing if Jerome’s already gone through these?
Clay: We’re finding fans on my (winks) “Other List.”
Nick: Ohhhhhhh. The short list.
Clay: Shhhhh. I don’t think they’d like that name.
Nick: What? Do you think they can hear you?
Clay (whispers): Sometimes I think they might. You know all the names, right? Help me find out which concerts they’re going to.
Nick: Ahhhh, so you can “randomly” select them for the real meet-n-greets?
Clay: I’m not sure. I don’t know if I could handle it. What if my inner fanboy makes an appearance?
Nick (chuckling): Is that a new nickname?
Clay: What do you mean?
Nick: You know. (tilts cocks head toward Clay’s lap) For little Clay.
Clay: Nooooo! Don’t be disgusting. And don’t be calling him little Clay.
Nick (rolls eyes): Whatever. So then who’s this “inner fanboy?”
Clay: You know. Like an inner fangirl, but for men.
Nick (understanding): Ohhhhh. So you’re afraid you’re gonna react the same way that most of your fans react when they meet you?
Clay: Exactly.
Nick: You’re a fan of your fans!
Clay: Well, not all of them! I mean, all my fans are amazing in their own way, but you know just my best girls are on that super secret list.
Nick: Do they turn you into a puddle of goo?
Clay: Stop it.
Nick: Do you THUD and *swoon* when you see them?
Clay: Stop it.
Nick: Do you flap your hands and say “Eeeeeeeeeee!”
Clay: I said stop it.
Nick: HA! Do you know their shoe sizes?
Clay: Okay, that doesn’t even work with women.
Nick: Do you know their thong sizes then?
Clay: NO! Those people at Giant didn’t keep very good track. That’s why we’ll be selling stuff right from the fan site from now on.
Nick (shaking head): I can’t believe you sometimes.
Clay: Then I guess it’s a good thing for you that I don’t pay you to believe me. Just help me find my special fans, please. Ohhhhh, here’s one. I can’t believe I have to wait till the end of August to see her!
Nick: Hey! Isn’t she the one that makes fun of me?
Clay: HA! That’s one of the things I like best about her!
Nick: So is she going to win a meet-n-greet?
Clay: I don’t know. What if I’m compelled to leap over the table and have sex with her right in front of everyone?
Nick: Dude. You need a vacation.
Hey. I just said it was a possible scenario. Sure, there’s maybe only a 40%, okay 30%, chance of it actually happening that way. But it makes me feel better. And if you wanna feel better too about never having had your chance to meet Clay, please feel free to use my very plausible explanation for why it hasn’t happened.
Now, I was also going to do a whole thing about Clay’s vacation, but then two things happened on July 7, which is when I sat down to put the thoughts from my head onto paper. First, there were some horrific terrorist attacks in London, and that was my chosen holiday destination for Mr. Aiken. (Since I was going to finally send him someplace on his own, without his posse, I figured it should be someplace familiar, but where he could go basically unrecognized.) Second, he BLOGGED! And that made my inner fan girl come out! So she’s gotta hang around for awhile, just in case his inner fan boy decides he wants to come out and meet her! (Yes, that is totally a euphemism for sex!)
It was gonna be a funny vacation too. I was gonna send him to Circus Camp! I don’t even know if such a thing exists! But I thought he’d enjoy it. He’d get to do all kindsa daredevilly things, and maybe even a little clowning around. (HAHA!) And then when he got to camp, someone else was going to be wearing the identical Burberry bucket hat, which would be totally embarrassing, so he was going to have to go to the Paul Smith boutique to find something else. And then the saleswomen there were going to have a heckuva fun time dressing him up in all those tight pants from the new collection, and even tucking in his shirts for him, and everywhere he went in London, people were going to be noticing the size of his feet, and he was gonna think he’d better go back to untucking his shirts because the tails obviously blocked other people’s views of his too-big feet and kept them from gawking so openly.
And the-en it was gonna turn out that the other person with the Burberry hat was Andrew Ridgely from Wham! And Clay was going to say that he wanted to sing Careless Whisper on the JBT, but he just couldn’t understand why anyone would be so upset if she found her boyfriend dancing with another woman, why he himself danced with different women all the time, and Andrew would be like, well, they were doing more than just dancing, and Clay would be all, no, I’m pretty sure that song’s about dancing, it even talks about guilty feet having no rhythm, and Andrew would be all, no, Clay, it’s about sex, just like all songs about dancing are really about sex, no one sings about dancing, that’s just silly, and Clay would be all, I knew it! I knew it!
*sigh*
But as funny as Circus Camp was going to be, it couldn’t touch Clay’s Blog in terms of reader satisfaction. So, um, I’m going to go satisfy myself with another view or two of Clay’s first entry. ::fans self:: Can’t post a response to it (see any of my previous entries and you're almost guaranteed to trip over a complaint about my OFC woes), but it makes me v.v. happy.
My heart goes out to the people of London. Some people in the world really suck. And not in a good way.
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