2006-01-13 - 6:10 p.m.

Roclay Horror Picture Show

Introductory Notes: I've loved Rocky Horror for a very long time, and always wanted to find a way for mesh my Rocky love with my Clay love. I finally found my last bit of inspiration for a Clay-inspired parody, but was worried about doing any type of musical parody when I knew I'd be unable to properly parody the songs. I cannot write a song parody with any conviction whatsoever, so I finally figured I’d just "gloss over" them. I’d use a few lines here and there, but would focus more on the dialogue.

Imagine my surprise as I started to read over the lyrics and realized that I could use them "as is" for the most part. The lyrics that Richard O'Brien wrote totally fit my story, y'all! I've only had to make a few changes, and where I have, I've bolded the words or lines that are different from the original (for repeated lyrics, I've only bolded the first usage). Otherwise, these lyrics are the work of Richard O'Brien, the artistic genius responsible for creating the original Rocky Horror Show over thirty years ago (along with Jim Sharman). As far as the actual script goes, I've tried to capture the heart of the piece, with my own words...but you may recognize a line or two. *g*

So, yeah, um, Richard? I borrowed a whole bunch of your stuff, hope you don't mind. It's not like I'm selling it or anything. Oh, and sorry, narrator guy with the big globe, but you didn’t make the cut in my movie.

ROCLAY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

On the screen a pair of the most perfect glossy shell-pink lips. A few freckles can be seen beneath the glossy sheen. The lips part to show a perfect line of white teeth, which nibble on the plump bottom lip, and then begin to sing:

Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us where we stand
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver underwear
Claude Rains was The Invisible Man
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and King Kong
They got caught in a celluloid jam
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From Outer Space
And this is how the message ran...
Science fiction double feature
Doctor X will build a creature
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show

Lips fade to black. The scene now opens on a young man and woman leaving a big Hollywood shindig. Neither feels like they quite fit in, so they take a walk together in a nearby park. The man is Brad Majors, played by Atlanta audition Clay, complete with ill-fitting glasses. The woman is Janet Weiss, played by Jaymes Foster sometimes Levy.

Brad: Janet, I've got something to say.

Janet: Yes?

Brad: I really liked the skillful way that you admired my vocal talents.

Janet: Your talents are quite admirable.

Brad: Lotsa folks can’t seem to get past my looks and are surprised when such a big voice comes out of this skinny white boy.

Janet: Got any other big things hidden away under those baggy clothes?

Brad: (nervously scratches behind his ears) Janet, I need to be serious for a moment.

Janet: I am being serious.

Brad: Janet. (pauses) I'd like you to executive produce my next CD.

Janet: Oh my god! Are you serious?

Brad: Yes, I just said I was, didn't I?

Janet: It's just that no one’s asked me to do anything like this before! Eeeeeee! I’m so excited.

Brad: Well, I may not have known you very long, but I felt some sort of connection from the moment we met at Dr. Scott’s party.

Music starts and Brad begins to sing to Janet.

The river was deep but I swam it
The future is ours, so let's plan it
So please don't tell me to can it
I've one thing to say, and that's
Dadgammit Janet, I need you
The road was long but I ran it
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it
If there's a singer for you then I am it
I've one thing to say, and that's
Dadgammit Janet, I need you

Here's a cheque to prove that I'm no joker
There's three ways that music can grow
That's good, bad, or mediocre
Oh J-A-N-E-T, I need you so

(Janet sings)

Oh, it's nicer than Fran Skinner-L had
Now I’m employed and I'm so glad
That you met Dave, and you wear plaid
I've one thing to say, and that's
Brad, I'm mad, for you too
There’s one thing left to do – a-hoo

(Back to Brad)

And that's go see the man who began it
When we met at his industry gramm-it
Made me give you a demo then panic
Now I've one thing to say, and that's
Dadgammit Janet, I need you

(They continue to sing of their mutual professional respect, as the scene again fades out.)

The scene moves forward to the two driving through torrential rains to visit their mentor, Dr. Scott. They suddenly hit an unseen pothole in the road and the left rear tire bursts as a result!

Brad: (banging steering wheel) Well ding dang it all!

Janet: Don’t you have a spare tire?

Brad: Do I look like I want to fix a spare? No, let’s just call Triple-A. (punches numbers into cellphone) Well, shoot. I’m not getting any reception at all.

Janet: Maybe we need to get out of the car.

Brad: Good idea. (They do so.) Still no reception. (He now bangs the hood of the car in exasperation.)

Janet: Look, Brad! Over there!

Brad: What?

Janet: Don't you see the light on in that house on the hill?

Brad: Yeah, but that place looks kinda creepy.

Janet: Silly, that's just because of all the rain. But they must have a phone we can use. We can call Triple-A and maybe even wait for them there. There are so many cars going by, it looks like some sort of party is going on.

Brad: I guess. (He and Janet begin to walk toward the house in the rain. Janet now begins to sing, and Brad soon joins in with some Gah-inducing harmonies.)

In the velvet darkness of the blackest night
Burning bright there's a guiding star
No matter what or who you are
There's a light over at the Frankenstein place
There's a light burning in the fireplace
There's a light, light
In the darkness of everybody's life

Brad and Janet knock on the door of the mansion; eventually a servant, Riff Raff (Nick, duh), cracks open the door.

Riff Raff: Hello.

Brad: Oh, uh, hello. My name is Brad and this is my executive producer, Janet. Our car broke down about a mile or so back, and we were wondering if you had a phone we could use.

Riff Raff: You're wet.

Janet: Oh yes.

Brad: (looks slightly puzzled) Yes. It's raining.

Riff Raff: Yes. You'd both better come inside.

Brad: Thank you.

He and Janet enter the grand foyer, complete with humongous chandelier and tacky fixtures and accessories hiding the beautiful hardwood underneath. Muffled music can be heard behind nearby closed doors.

Riff Raff: Follow me.

They follow him through a few more similarly furnished rooms. Janet nearly trips over the round ottoman near a dusty piano. Brad is busy checking his teeth in the reflection of all the plasma tvs found throughout the premises.

Janet (whispers to Brad): Oh, Brad. I'm frightened. What kind of place is this?

Brad: Probably just some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Janet (aloud): Is there some kind of party going on?

Riff Raff: You've arrived on a very special night. Master is having one of his...affairs.

Janet: How lucky.

Suddenly, Magenta (Mary, double duh), who's been lurking in the hallway the entire time, slides down the banister and speaks.

Magenta: He's lucky, you're lucky, we're all lucky!

Riff Raff begins to sing in a low drone:

It's astounding
Time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely

(Magenta)

Not for very much longer

(Riff Raff)

I've got to keep control
I remember doing the Time Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me

(Magenta)

And the void would be calling

(Riff raff swings open the door to reveal a large ballroom filled with similarly dressed revelers all doing some sort of line dance. They all sing.)

Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again
It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right
With your hands on your hips
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again

(Suddenly, a very brightly-dressed and slightly tipsy woman, Columbia (Paula Abdul), begins to sing and tap dance.)

Well I was walking down the street
Just a having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes
He stared at me and I felt a change
Time meant nothing, never would again

(Columbia trips very clumsily as she goes for the big finish to her tap-dancing routine, and as she picks herself up, the rest of the party-goers continue to dance and sing the chorus of their Time Warp song.)

Brad claps gamely for their efforts, but Janet is starting to freak out at the crazy and enthusiastic ways of the participants. (The blinking headgear is no help.)

Brad: Anyone know the cabbage patch? (The partiers stares blankly at him.)

Janet: Brad, please, let's just get out of here. (She starts to back up and Brad keeps pace with her.)

Brad: Get a grip on yourself, Janet. We can’t go anywhere until I use the phone.

Janet: It just seems so unhealthy here.

Brad: Nonsense. They're perfectly harmless, probably foreigners with ways of their own.

Janet: I want to go, Brad! I'm cold and I'm frightened!

Brad: There now, Janet, I'm here with you.

The two have backed up towards an elevator. Janet bumps into it first and turns around only to scream and faint at the first sign of its inhabitant.

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