2005-06-06 - 10:16 a.m.
When Clay’s away, we have to either turn to others or provide our own entertainment. In the guestbook of the LBFCA (purple pages), we do lots of reminiscing about favorite outfits, moments, or songs. We think about spending time with him in mutually enjoyable activities. We think about dressing and undressing him a lot. On April 11, 2005, one of the Broads challenged us: If you could ask Clay only one question, what would it be? Many Broads responded with intelligent or clever or heartfelt questions. I had a little more difficulty with the task. Here’s what I wrote:
One question? Only one question? That’s a pretty hard task for someone as
Well, of course I’d like to ask him about ess-eee-ecks, but it’s none of my business (not for a lack of trying). I’m actually petrified that if I ever did get a chance to ask a question, I would blurt out something along the lines of:
~Are you waiting? Does it feel special? Or is that just something you say? I agree that it’s more special to wait, just like it’s more special to eat five servings of vegetables or drive at the speed limit, but I don’t do any of those things either. How 'bout you?
~I see you're not blind yet, but just how hard are you trying?
~Is it better to give or to receive? Don’t look at me like you have no idea what I mean and just answer the question, please.
~You do know that we’re looking, don’t you?
~Would you like a bl**j** right now?
[Trust me, those are the most family-friendly.] But if I blurted out something so inappropriate, he may decide to limit his summer tours to the Midwest and Northeast. Can’t risk that! Hmmm. I could ask a question about his posse:
~What’s the deal with Fran? Do you invite her on all these trips or does she just tag along? You do know that she wants to have sex with you, don’t you? What’s your mother’s phone number? Is she looking for a few more friends?
~What does Jerome do with all the Clack he confiscates? Do you watch it on the tour bus? Is anyone on the lookout for good Waldo shots? Were you scared sh*tless that Jerome would break that bungee cord on that drop you did together last summer?
~What exactly does Nick do again?
Nah. As jealous interested as I am in those closest to him, I’m really most interested in Clay himself. The man has a lot of little quirks I’d love to find out more about:
~Why really are you so afraid of water?
~Is your mother still picking out the clothes you wear in your downtime, or have her tastes just been so deeply engrained that you will forever dress like Grandpa Aiken even though you won’t have that title for probably 30 years, unless you were to, say, marry one of your more mature fans who could instantly make you a step-patriarch?
~This one is all your fault and I really shouldn’t care, but do you buy anything at the grocery store besides milk? What’s the fat content? How many gallons a week are we talking? Do you ever drink straight out of the bottle? Yet you yell at Nick for doing the exact same thing, don’t you?
~I don’t get the Burberry thing. That one’s just a statement, not a question.
He probably wouldn’t like me too much if I asked any of those questions, would he? But does he actually like me anyway? I mean, does he know me at all? That brings up an interesting line of questioning:
~How much time do you spend reading your fan boards?
~We know you love the Broads, but do you ever blush at the things we say? Do you read strictly the main pages or do you ever delve into the sea of purple? Who’s your favorite Broad? It’s me, isn’t it?
~Do you ever download Clack from the internet?
~You know where we all live now that you got that fan club going. Where exactly do you live again? And just how big is your, um, house? What other furnishings do you need? Why don’t you let me come on by and give you a hand? Maybe take a few measurements...?
Actually, if I only had one question to ask, I probably would ask something about the fan boards. I’m interested in his music and his touring, but he doesn’t seem too forthcoming with definitive details. I’ve heard for over a year that he’s "working on" touring in Canada, and while I believe he’s prone to fibbing, I mainly believe that he’s not the ultimate decision maker when it comes to those things. So my real question:
Have you ever got embarrassed or frustrated or amused enough by the things you read on your fanboards that you’ve logged on and responded?
Two curious things happened as a result of that post.
First, a handful of Broads (forgive them, Father, for they know not what they’ve done) decided it would be a good idea for me to actually conduct an interview with Clay! Can you believe it? However, fearing for either his chastity or his safety, they decided it would be best to conduct said interview by phone. Well, obviously I took exception to that. I talk to people all day long; it’s how I make my living. So I know the importance of good package eye contact. How will I know if he’s being truthful unless I can look him straight in the package eyes? So I posted this response:
I would like to request that I be allowed to conduct this interview in person however, just because Clay would clearly have the edge in any phone contact. And we can't have that, can we? I've given that man everything I have, except the edge. If he wants it, he has to win it fair and square. Oh, heck, I don't care if he gets sneaky about it, coss I know where I've hidden it and what he has to go through to find it.
Second, someone named “Clay Aiken” posted shortly after me, repeating my final question ( Have you ever got embarrassed or frustrated or amused enough by the things you read on your fanboards that you’ve logged on and responded?) and then saying (paraphrased) Why yes, I do sometimes. And if you’re wanting to know about my favorite, it’s the one called Some Other Broad Who’s Not Me.
Well, I was just stunned. And then I realized that this supposed message from Clay did not contain a single HAHA. What it had instead was a paragraph break. Yes, at the LBFCA guestbook, we must all insert our own HTML paragraph break codes, along with every other HTML code. Clay doesn’t know how to do that! Well, it took a little detective work on my part, but then I realized that the likely Clay-poseur was Some Other Broad Who’s Not Me. So I answered her thusly:
Some Other Broad Who’s Not Me, if you're going to attempt to channel the Aiken (and who could blame you?), you have to remember to not use any HTML codes. His fear of Odin [note: he’s a cat who provides the tutorials] has kept him from receiving the necessary instruction. I think his reply to one of my questions would go something like this:
I can't believe how smutty some of my fans can get. Enthusiasm is one thing HAHA but I just don't get the smut. Where do they get the idea that I like smutty, dirty things? Bringing signs to my concerts and whatnot. And they think that by saying things like sm*t sm*t d**ty d**ty that I won't understand HAHA but I do. That Kat person is pretty enthusiastic about my *ss HAHA! So in answer to the coded question that my so-called smartest(really the smuttiest if you ask me!) Broad asked, let me say that my mama is the smartest person I know but even she doesn't know what a blabjar is. I think I'll take one anyway! HAHA Now who's the smartest? No wonder they gave me my own republic HAHA! from the president of the LBFC
*sigh* It’s now nearly two months later and Clay still hasn’t come by for either his interview or his "blabjar." And Clay, you really have to go someplace other than Toronto for it to count as "Canada" and not just "Toronto." Of course, the T.O. peeps have probably already convinced you otherwise.
*sigh* At least he's still purdy.
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