2005-06-05 - 6:39 p.m.

I wrote this on March 12, when Clay had gone to Indonesia and I hadn’t realized he never goes anywhere without a team of people. I sure hope Fran got some good ideas on helping children with disabilities while she was over there….anyway, I got to thinking about what Nick would be doing all by himself in Clay’s house….

So I ran into Nick, and he was looking a little sniffly, so I asked what was wrong. He said, "Clay's gone to Indonesia without me. I feel a little like a Tattoo without his Mr. Rourke." Now, I didn't know whether Nick was trying to be clever and snarky, or if he honestly didn't appreciate what he just implied about himself, so I stroked his arm a little and said, "Tell me about it. Stud."

He stammered some and replied, "Actually, Clay came up with that expression. I'm not completely sure what it means." Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him almost subconsciously stroking something in his front pocket, so I licked my lips provocatively and before he knew what hit him, I reached in and grabbed whatever it was he found more amusing than me. I pulled out several pieces of paper, which had obviously been folded and unfolded many, many times.

"What's this?" I held the paper out of his reach (yes, Nick is considerably taller than me, so figure that one out for yourself).

"Gimme that. It's mine."

"Oh, no, Nick. Possession is 90% of the law. I'm sure you and your secret stash of goody bags understand that rule." I opened the paper, and immediately noticed Clay's signature typing. The list was titled Nick's List of Things to Do While Ah'm I'm in Indonesia. "Nick, I'm going to read this, so you might as well get comfortable." He didn't argue with me. I did read it, and thanks to my photographic memory, I'll share what I read with the rest of you. [yes, Clay can actually get as long-winded as I can, hard to believe but true]

1. Go to Doctors office and get shots for my trip. It was worth a try.

2. Clean the dog poo in the back yard. Just make sure to leave one or two discreet piles so that Justin G. gets a coupla surprises when he comes by to do the yardwork HAHA!

3. Remember to serve from the milk bottles on the left and to place the new bottles in from the right. As you use up each bottle, you have to shift the entahr lahn to the left. I know this has proven confusing for you in the past, but please trah to get it right, as I will know if you mess that mess up.

4. If any Broads call or stop by, Don't Talk to Them! Yes, they're awesome and sexy, and I know they can be very flattering, but if I'm being honest HAHA! they can run circles around you! Only one man has what it takes to keep up with the Broads HAHA! If they wanna touch any of my stuff, they'll have to wait till I get back HAHA!

5. Check into getting a trademark on HAHA! If I'm gonna crack myself up this much, I might as well get rich doing it HAHA! (see?)

6. I've ordered some matching shirts for my posse my group of like-minded friends who care about the benefits of inclusion, for when we go to Florida next month. Did I tell you I got us awesome seats for the Golden Girls 20th Anniversary Dinner Theater Showcase Revue? Anyway, when the shirts come, get one of my stitchwitchery kits - there should be one on the bottom shelf of the linen closet near the third guest bathroom - and try to put some bows or something feminine on Fran's shirt so that no one mistakes her for a man this time. But no tassels! HAHA! Fran can't pull that look off.

7. I've got the Tivo set, but make sure to watch American Idol on Tuesday night, so you can get Carrie's number. Then vote for her at least 50 times. I've left four of my cellphones with you, so there's no excuse. Remember, text messaging is best.

8. Borrow one of my disguises (you know the one, it rhymes with Furberry Fat - HAHA! That sounds kinda smutty, but I swear if you wear it, you can travel virtually anywhere undetected) and go to the CBS studios where they tape American Idol. Don't worry. They tape it earlier on the West coast, so you can still get home in time to do the voting. I've been bringing gifts to Carrie every week, and she'd probably be up.set (HAHA!) if she didn't get one this week, even though she hasn't understood any of my gifts yet.

Nick, did I ever tell you how about my courtship with Carrie? I don't think I did. I meant to tell you when we were sitting in first class last week, but I guess I slept all the way to Hawaii and back! I just don't know what it is about her. At first I thought it was that blond innocence that reminded me of Carmen, only taller. But then I remembered that I didn't miss Carmen for a single second after she was voted off! So then I thought maybe it's that I feel a kinship with Carrie because her name is just begging to be made into a clever sign, like I'm Aiken for Clay. Well, except for with her name, Carrie Underwood. Here are some sign ideas for when I get back:

I Will Carrie You to the Finals!
Carrie Gets Under My Skin!
I Want Carrie Under My Wood!
Carrie! Under wood be good! On Top wood be even better!
Carrie Wood You Get Under Me Please?

I think you get the idea. Pretty creative, huh? It's almost like my fans' creativity has rubbed off on me......hang on just a second....

Okay, I'm back!

Now, where was I? I know I was leaving you a to-do list, but I got a little carried away with my commentary....(or should I say Carried away? HAHA!) Oh yeah. I was telling you about my previous gifts. The first week of the semi-finals, I gave Carrie my CD, Measure of a Man, and she claimed to have no idea what it was. I was like, "It's a CD." And she's like, "I've heard of them, but I've never seen one before." Claims she's never listened to CDs on the farm! She didn't smile but she did say thank you.

So the next week, I brought her one of my Clay Aiken thongs. You know the ladies love to wear 'em. So again, she tells me she has no idea what it is. Well, I know she can't buy underwear, but surely she must wear them Unless.... Anyway, I leaned into her and kinda whispered, "It's a thong. My fans tell me that wearing one gives them a little boost of confidence and energy. I thought it might help your performance." She was still looking confused, so I confessed to her, "I wear one myself sometimes." [NICK, DON'T TELL THIS TO ANYONE OR YOU. ARE. DEAD.] Then she looked down and said, "Your thongs are black." I said, "No, the Clay Aiken thongs only come in red. My idea." And she looked at my feet and said, "No, they're black, just like the cows on the farm." I laughed and said, "No, those aren't thongs. Those are my flip-flops."

Carrie: You have big feet.
Me: I know I do. *wink*
Carrie: It must be hard to find shoes.
Me: It's not so bad really. *wink*
Carrie: And you don't find it hard to run?
Me: HAHA! I can't run at all!
Carrie: I don't think I'd like feet that big.
Me: Are you sure *wink wink*? They don't get in the way *wink*.
Carrie. Yeah. I hope I haven't offended you by saying that. I'm not really comfortable talking to people. I mostly talk to animals and fish.
Me: That's okay. Believe me, big feet have some benefits *wink wink wink*.
Carrie: Okay. Thanks for the thong. I'll try to wear it tonight.

It was like we were having two separate conversations! And she just walked away looking confused! Man oh man, Nick. I don't think I could have winked anymore. Anyway, it turned out that she shoved that thong into one of her cowboy boots before she sang Piece of My Heart! I'm sure if she'd put it where she was supposed to, she could have given an angstier performance. Of course I still voted over a hundred times.

Then last week, I wanted to give her a video of me singing I Survived You. But instead I decided to just give her my phone number, since I wasn't getting anywhere with the presents. [Note: it was not because Jerome would kill me if he caught me HAHA dealing Clack.] So I gave her the number to the silver Motorola. And again, she says, "What's this?" I said, "Well, that's my phone number. In case you ever want to talk." She says, "This isn't a phone number." I say, "Yes, it is. Not many people have it, but it's definitely one of my phone numbers." And then she counts the digits and says, "But this is ten numbers. Shouldn't it be (pause) seven? I think it's seven. It's not that often that my mommie lets me run down to the neighbor's house to call my grammie." Then she walked away without taking it. I just don't get her! It's a good thing I'm so stubborn. A lesser man would have given up by now.

HAHA! What number are we at in your todo list?

9. Make a gift for Carrie. Again, you're going to have to use my stitchwitchery. I notice that Carrie likes to wear tops with sparkly straps that showcase her shoulders. So I thought you could take some of the fabric from the gossamer curtains from my Joyful Noise Tour and some other fabric from one of my old sparkly vests (SHUT. UP.) and put together a nice top for her to wear. Maybe you should get Quiana to help you because if Carrie doesn't recognize this gift, I'm going to blame you. But I won't give up on my courtship.

10. While you're at the CBS studios, send a Clay Aiken concert t-shirt and thong to that Constantinople guy. It seems a few of my fans have noticed how he fills out his jeans with his long, um, legs. His legs might be as long as mine, but there is no way he smells as fresh! And did you see him wearing a Justin G. shirt last week? Just what was he trying to say? Does he want to wear the shirt of the man who tends the garden or the man who owns the garden? [Don't say that though. I've just grossed myself out with the innuendo. Darn those Broads and their garden imagery]. Plus, if he's wearing my face on a shirt, no one will look below his waist! [ooops. grossed myself out again HAHA] And if a man is going to wear red underwear and flash them on national tv, it might as well be a red Clay Aiken thong so I can get rich at the same time HAHA!

11. Check out that Anwar guy for me, just make sure you're wearing the Furberry Fuc...(oops HAHA) Fat so he doesn't see you. Simon says (HAHA!) he's a teacher and a nice guy. Maybe we could record a duet together someday. Even though teachers aren't sexy, their voices should be heard, and they should be applauded. See, where recording with Ruben would only strengthen my ties to American Idol, recording with Anwar would strengthen my ties to the teaching profession. And we could call it an Aiken-Robinson production. I'm sure glad his last name isn't Johnson. That would be smutty HAHA! Oh man, I can't wait to get back and spend time with my Broads again. I guess naptime has made me horny HAHA!

p.s. Did I ever tell you that I finally got the secret of casting negative votes out of Simon? Well, I did! So now we can use that to cast negative votes against that Constipated and his long legs. I won't tell you what the secret is until I get back, because I'm sure as it is, some Broad has already found this letter and is reading it right now. I will tell you how I finally got the secret from Simon coss I'm pretty proud of mahself.

I know I told you that I finally figured out that Simon started making nasty unfounded comments about me after we stood next to each other in the men's room, right? Especially after BeeGees night. I know Simon enjoyed my performance in the rehearsal almost as much as Paula did, but then afterwards, I absolutely had to use the restroom, and Simon was already there. Lord, old men take forever. I couldn't wait, and Josh was in the only closed stall as usual so I was cursing him for that and also for telling me to go commando under those jeans in the first place. It was impossible to be discreet with all the tension that had built up in those jeans. And then it was even worse trying to pack everything back in. And that Simon doesn't even pretend to follow the unwritten rule of the mens room. So of course, he got back at me the only way he could and called my performance horrid and then wrote "Vincent" on a hundred slips of paper for the next week.

But we all know how things have changed since then. So last week, I made sure to go into the bathroom when Simon was there, and I sidled up to the next urinal, whipped it out (HAHA I hope a Broad is reading this), and said very matter-of-factly, "I hear Terri is a Claymate." HAHA! I could totally tell he was trying to finish but he couldn't! He just stood there with his face all red, so I continued, "I guess she must be getting a little squirrely since I haven't been making too many public appearances." And I could totally tell by his reaction that she was probably making him even more miserable than he would be on his own!

So then I said, "If I go up and give her one of my looks - NO! Don't even try to imitate it, you look ridiculous - will you give me the secret of casting negative votes?"

He says, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Have you gotten into Paula's medication?"

And I say, "You know exactly what I'm talking about. And you know how Terri reacted when I came to the set last year and gave her one of my patented, er, patent-pending looks after I sang Fantasy. I filled that woman with a burning desire which I then refused to satisfy. So she was forced to come to you. And instead of thanking me, you tried to make fun of me."

Anyway, it's all worked out, I'm back on top, and Simon's actually saying nice things about me again in his own small man way. And my little story HAHA! did remind me of one more item to add to your list:

12. Come up with a family-friendly term for EF so that I can get my look trademarked and patented. Then see if I can still get rich with other peoples' bad imitations of it HAHA!

p.p.s. I'm gonna miss you Nick. Don't tell anybody. And let Raleigh eat whatever she wants while I'm away. And be sure to check in on Brett and my mom for me. I am not crying.

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