2005-06-05 - 6:33 p.m.

My next diary entries all involve the fourth season of American Idol. Clay was taking that extended nap and doing good deeds, so I needed a diversion. (You’ll see that Clay never strays that far from my thoughts.) I wrote this in February or March. It should be noted that my attitude toward Carrie has remained the same, but after Constantine sang I Think I Love You, something inside of me said, "OMG! I think I love you too and I have no idea how the f*ck that happened!" He’s now my second favorite Idol contestant ever, but it’s pretty clear he wasn’t when I wrote this.

Ma and Pa Underwood are on their way to the town Bingo Hall for their weekly outing to help sinners repent and to perhaps win a few dollars for a beer on the way home. They usually met Grammie at the hall, but she wasn't feeling well this particular Saturday. They discussed it at length and agreed that their daughter Carrie, at twenty years old, was finally old enough to learn where her grandmother lived and to walk there, through the woods, on her own.

Pa did warn her about some animals she may encounter which she'd never seen on all her years at the farm. He told her about the sly fox, "very attractive, but cunning and often working under the cover of shadow. You may not know that a fox has been by until you open the door to the coop and notice your chickens, and sometimes even their eggs, are missing." He also told her about the fox's backwoods cousin, the wolf. Though not as classically attractive as the fox, the wolf "has certain charms and is so bold as to even wear sheep's clothing to get what he wants."

Duly warned, Carrie skips down the trail that leads directly to her Grammie's house, carrying a basket of eggs and freshly baked cookies, and pausing occasionally to sing to the birds or pet the fish. She happens to be petting some fish in the pond when an attractive blond man passes from the other direction.

Anthony: Well, hello, miss. Those fish sure seem to like you.

Carrie: Of course. We're cousins.

Anthony: (looking confused but attracted to Carrie anyway) Do you need a hand with that basket?

Carrie: No. I'm just bringing a few things to my Grammie's house. She's feeling sick today.

Anthony: And your parents let you go alone?

Carrie: I'm a big girl now. But not big enough for Bingo where I could be helping sinners. My mommie said I have to know numbers bigger than twenty to be able to redeem or something, but I'll have to wait till my next birthday to find out which number comes next.

Anthony: Which number comes next after twenty?

Carrie: Ooh, yes. I can't wait to find out.

Anthony: Well, if you wanna know now, it's twenty-one.

Carrie: Aww, you're just teasing me. You just took two other numbers and put them together. Anyway, my Grammie is waiting so I'd best be going.

So Carrie continues on her way down the path while Anthony heads straight to Carrie's house, sneaks up to her room, and fondles and sniffs every pair of homemade underwear in her drawer. He takes a pair of pink ones with a lacy cow embroidered on the front and brings them home with him.

Soon after, as Carrie is blissfully talking to some baby birds in their nest, another young man notices her and stops to chat.

Bo: Well, hello Miss. Can I help you carry that basket?

Carrie: Gosh, it seems that everyone knows my name. But look! (pointing) You already have your own basket.

Bo: Yes, I was just over at my granny's house. She makes all my clothes, and she just gave me some really neat stuff. Look! (he starts pulling out clothes)

Carrie: (thinking he may just be a wolf with sheep's clothing) Oh I don't think so.

Bo: No, look. It's nothing bad. Just some velvet pants, some caftans, and a couple of ponchos. (he pulls out a red one). Oh wow. She knows I only wear earth tones. Here. Why don't you take this one?

Carrie: (who has never seen a sheep dressed in a red poncho) It's really pretty. But I can't take something from someone I've never met.

Bo: C'mon, my grandma's feelings would be hurt real bad if she knew I was never gonna wear this. You can put it to good use. Please.

Carrie: Well, okay. For your grandma. I'm just going to my grammie's house as well. But I'm the one bringing her the goodies.

Bo: She is so lucky to have a granddaughter that kind. Well, you have yourself a wonderful day.

Carrie: I think I will. I don't know why my daddie was so worried about foxes and wolves. I've only run into the kindest critters in these woods.

Of course, unknown to Carrie and the others, Constantine, that crazy half-bred fox-wolf, was watching all the events unfold, and he'd already hightailed it to Grammie's house where he lay in wait. When Carrie finally comes through her grandmother's front door, she thinks she sees her poor, feeble grandmother lying under an afghan on the couch.

Connie: (in a high pitched voice) Carrie dear? Is that you?

Carrie: Yes, it is Grammie. I came as quickly as I could.

Connie: You didn't have to come quickly on my account. Just come closer where I can see you. (Carrie complies) And why don't you take off that poncho? (She complies again) My, what big shoulders you have.

Carrie: All the better for milking cows, Grammie.

Connie: And my, what big firm thighs you have.

Carrie: All the better for milking cows, Grammie.

Connie: And what big...

Carrie: (putting her hand to her face and interrupting) Grammie, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but notice what bad breath you have.

Connie: All the better for...for nothing really, but it sure saves me time every morning and evening.

Carrie: And Grammie, what greasy hair you have.

Connie: Again, it saves me some time. Keeping clean is really overrated.

Carrie: And Grammie, are you growing a little beard?

Connie: (in his regular voice) I'm trying, er, (high pitch again) sometimes older women have certain problems with unwanted facial hair.

Carrie: And Grammie, what bad body odor you have. We're gonna have to get you cleaned up.

Connie: Are you offering to help an old woman? What a dear you are. Why don't you help me take off my shirt?

Just then, the door bursts open!

Clay: Not so fast!

Carrie: Who are you?

Clay: Why, just your friendly neighborhood woodsman. At your service, miss.

Carrie: Church service is tomorrow. This afternoon, I'm having a nice chat with my grandma.

Clay: That's no grandma. That's a, a,....oh good Lord man, what are you again?

Connie: (rising up and throwing off the afghan) I'm a hardcore alternate rock musician slash musical theater performance artiste. But if you're a "woodsman," don't you need an axe? (with that he whips out his electric guitar and strums a loud chord)

Clay: Hey! Is that some kind of crack because I don't play an instrument? I'll have you know that my voice is my instrument. And today, it's also my weapon.

Connie: Oh really? Well just bring it, Mr. Ballad.

Clay: Oh no you di'int. C'mon, let's hear a little Sting.

So Connie starts mangling some Police classic or other, but Carrie, who's only ever heard church music, is suitably impressed. While she feels reverence in her heart when she's singing in fellowship to God, now she's feeling something delightfully sinful in her lower regions. Clay starts to sing over Connie, and Carrie is even more visibly moved by his perfect tone and pitch. Her homemade underwear starts twitching uncontrollably.

Connie next bursts into a little Aerosmith, and gazes at Carrie with all the intensity he can muster. Her eyelashes start to flutter in reply. Suddenly she can hear Clay singing When a Man Loves a Woman from the other side of her. She turns to look and is instantly turned into a writhing puddle of goo by the most intensive green eyes she's ever seen in her life. Connie just can't have this, so he starts to play his guitar loudly. Clay tries to sing over the noise, and to hold Carrie with his gaze. But he keeps losing her as Connie's guitarplaying makes her wince.

Clay: (shouting) So now you want me to bring out the big guns, is that it? (louder) I may not carry an axe, but I never go anywhere without my trusty sword. (he drops his pants and yells at the top of his lungs) JUST. SHUT. UP.

Carrie and Connie both look at Clay in all his glory and are immediately stunned into silence. Connie looks as sheepish as the grandmother's clothing he sports, grabs his guitar, and flees out the back window. Carrie is passed out on the couch. Clay zips up, and revives Carrie with some water.

Clay: I'm sorry you had to see that, Carrie. Well, actually, I'm not. First, because I believe you were impressed. And second, because I don't believe you possess the necessary vocabulary skills to tell anyone exactly what you saw here today.

Carrie: Gosh. When my daddie warned me about foxes and wolves, I didn't think he was talking about men.

Clay: Just how long have you lived in the south?

Carrie: So now I need to know. Are you a fox or a wolf?

Just then they hear a muffled voice coming from the closet. Clay goes over to open it, and sees an older woman tied up inside. The gag over her mouth has slipped ever so slightly with the all the perspiring and palpitating she experienced during Clay's performance and unveiling. She can't speak clearly until Clay unties it the rest of the way.

Grannie: A horse! He's a horse! And if you don't want to ride him, missy, then get outta my way, cuz this old mare is ready to hop into that saddle!

Carrie: A horse? Well, we have horses on the farm, so you must be a friend or a cousin! Yay!

Grannie: C'mon, horseman. Sing for me.

Clay: I do appreciate my older fans, ma'am, but can't you just make me cookies or maybe some underwear with clever sayings?

Carrie: Ooooh! I make cookies and underwear!

Clay: No. You're young and beautiful, you should want to fu..., er, show your appreciation in other ways. Preferably without speaking.

Carrie: I know! I can sing hymns with you!

Clay: (sighing and muttering on his way out the door) I will never understand women….

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