2005-06-11 - 3:26 p.m.
This is the companion piece to my LBFCA Pageant Skit. After I posted it in the guestbook, a Broad that I’ll call Jix begged and pleaded for me to write a skit for her. Now I’ve never actually met Jix but I love her. She refers to herself as a classless Broad, but she’s incredibly clever. Her words can range from LYAO raunchy good fun to jaw-dropping sensuousness. She’s a member of the Clackhouse, so last summer, she provided cellcert commentary for all the Broads for nearly every concert. It was utterly fabulous.
Jix is great friends with Jax. I haven’t met her either, but I love her just the same. Her words are usually incredibly sensual, she’s very in-touch with herself, and she’s a big fan of sexual innuendo by way of gardening imagery (just think about the implications of a manual versus electric versus a ride-on mower when the time comes to trim your lawn).
Kay is the third member of this trio. Her writing is incredibly witty and I aspire to reach her level one day. Last summer, she spent a lot of time on the road as she and her mister started their move from Eastern Canada to Texas. No, I haven’t met her either, but again ~ love. her.
Jix, Jax, and Kay remind me a little of the Pink Ladies from the movie Grease. If we’d gone to school together (which we wouldn’t have because haha I’m younger than they are!), I imagine I’d just be admiring them from my seat at the geek table. They’d be dancing up a storm in the gym, all cool and smoking, and not afraid to talk to boys. I’d be doing the hand jive in the bleachers. But Clay Aiken would’ve been sitting next to me. Here’s the skit I very affectionately wrote for them:
Behind the Scenes with Jix and Jax
New to this year’s Miss America Pageant, the producers have promised viewers several sneak peeks of the backstage action. Join us now as Eeyore steals, um, incorporates, this idea, into her coverage of the LBFCA Pageant. We cut in to Jix and Jax sharing a smoke on the back porch of the ranch.
Jix: Did you see some of that talent? Seriously lame. It’s like they know they don’t have any real talent, so they just make something up. Not like me or you. You’re a professionally trained dancer, for heaven’s sake. Cooking eggs? Pffft. What’s up with that?
Jax: (gives a quiet sigh of thanks that she’s stayed limber all these years) Yeah. And what’s your talent again?
Jix: For the gazillionth time, I’m a spokesmodel.
Jax: Oh, yeah, you looked really good, um, walking around in your stilettos.
Jix: Hey, I was doing a lot more than walking! Didn’t you see my three point turns? And hello! I was giving cellcert commentary at the same time. Walking AND talking. That takes talent, J.
Jax: Chill out, gurrlfriend. I never said you weren’t talented. (long pause) Man, I need a drink.
Jix: You and me both. And you know we have to hide all the booze whenever Clay is here. I guess we’ll have to go to a grocery store.
Jax and Jix start walking toward the ranch gate, where they see Jacob practicing his dance moves just outside.
Jix: Yo, Jacob. What’re you doing here?
Jacob: Why, hello ladies. I knew some of you would seek me out eventually. Y’know, the only reason Clay won’t let me onto ranch property is because he’s afraid I’ll horn in on some of his action. Horn in. Get it?
Jax: Yeah, we get it, Jacob. And you just keep telling yourself that. Anyway, we were wondering if you could give us a ride.
Jacob: Whoa, the dance captain is always good for a ride.
Jax and Jix roll their eyes at each other.
Jix: We gotta go into town to get some, um, refreshments. Pageants are thirsty work, yo. (busts a gangsta move)
Jacob: I hear ya. I just happen to have my chopper right here.
Jix: Um, isn’t that a scooter?
Jacob: Don’t be fooled by its size. This baby packs a lot of power. Bigger isn’t always better, y’know. (nervous laughter) Hop on, ladies. I hope you don’t mind sitting on each other’s laps.
Jix and Jax: (in unison) We’re used to it. (pause) Jinx. (pause) Double jinx. (they both giggle and get on the scooter)
They ride the two miles into town and stop at the local 7-11 for a six-pack of Corona. A few of the locals give them curious glances, as they’ve heard all about the mysterious broads who inhabit the Double O BEVR Ranch. And the tiaras, stiletto heels, and tassels peering out from their halter tops give away these two instantly. But at least they don’t have to pay for the beer.
Jix: Jacob, you want one? (offers him a beer)
Jacob: Thanks, but no thanks. I’m really not supposed to drink while I’m on duty.
Jax: How are you on duty? There’s no concert tonight.
Jacob: Hello! I’m the Dance CAPTAIN. I’m always on duty. Geesh.
The broads pop open their beers and Jacob starts doing a little air sax. His fingers suddenly stop playing and his jaw drops further and further as he watches the two broads very seductively handle the long-neck Corona bottles and savour every last drop of the honey-coloured liquid. He starts plotting his best course of action, when he spies some young teenage girls loitering at the 7-11 entrance. He saunters over to them, while J & J each pop open a second beer and continue smoking and drinking in sensuous silence.
Jacob: Well, hello ladies.
Girl: Who are you?
Jacob: Don’t you recognize me? I’m the dance captain. (does a little moon-walk)
The girls stifle a giggle, but are somehow drawn to his charm.
Jacob: Y’know, you guys really shouldn’t be hanging out here. You never know what kind of sleazy characters you might run into. We’d better get you back to the schoolyard.
Jacob and the girls take a quick photo at the booth, then hop on the scooter and zip away.
Jax: (looking up just in time) Shit! There goes our ride. Now we’re gonna hafta walk back to the ranch.
Jix: So what were you saying about my talent before? It’s sure coming in handy now. Just sayin’.
Jax: Pffffffft.
They grab the remaining two beers and sexily saunter away from the camera, so we can see the tell-tale Ts of their fire-engine red Clay Aiken thongs peeking from the tops of their cut-off shorts.
Jix: Gawd, I wish Clay were here now so I could ride him back to the ranch.
Jax: J, honey, I wish that man were here so I could ride him period.
Jix: Amen. (looks at her watch) And the talent must be nearly over by now. Talent shmalent – HAH! Pretty soon, the contestants will be stating their platforms. I wonder how lame some of those are going to be.
Jax: Well, not everyone can promote world peace. Hey, you never told me your platform.
Jix: Yeah, and I’m not telling you now.
Jax: Please. It’s not like I’m going to steal it. And I won’t tell anyone. Pinky swear.
Jix: (locks pinkies with Jax) Okay. (dramatically) "It’s more special not to wait." And I do a sock puppet demonstration.
Jax: No. Effing. Way.
Jix: What?
Jax: Okay, J. Swear. to. God. My platform is "It’s NOT more special to wait." And I present it from a ride-on mower.
The two stare at each other, then squeal, hug, and break into a spontaneous can-can, which is captured by the slow-mo camera. They finally sigh, adjust their thongs, and get back to walking. Suddenly, they see a bigass pick-up truck drive by, so they strike their best hooker, er, hitchhiker poses.
The pick-up squeals to a stop, and Kay leans out the window, then lets out her own little squeal as she recognizes the streetwalkers.
Jax: Kay! I can’t believe it’s really you! You haven’t been at the ranch all weekend.
Kay: (jumping out of the truck and hugging her two pals) I haven’t been to the ranch all summer! I swear, it seems I’ve just been driving back and forth between Texas and Nova Scotia for two months now. I barely have time to stop at outlet malls and Clay Aiken concerts, let alone get to the ranch. Thank goodness for that booty call in Clio. (all three stare off into the distance for a moment).
Kay: (continuing) And can you believe I somehow crossed the wrong border and ended up in Mexico two weeks ago? But I got some really good deals on ponchos and fiestaware. (the camera pans toward the bed of the pick-up, which is positively overflowing with shopping bags) Anyway, is something special happening this weekend?
Jix: Duh! The pageant! Clay is only a featured peformer and presenter for that Miss America thing, but he’s a judge, stage prop, and first prize at our ranch pageant. So hurry, we gotta get back so I can win him. (said in best whiny child voice)
Jax: Don’t even start that, J. We gotta get back so I can win him.
Jix: Jax. I love you. And I don’t wanna fight about this. How about winner agrees to share?
Jax: Deal. (they lock pinkies again)
Kay: Hey, what about me?
Jax: Well, it might be too late for you to enter, but if you get us back in time to present our platforms, I’m perfectly happy with a ménage a quatre.
Jix: Sounds classless. That’s good enough for me.
Kay: Me too. It may be too late for me to enter, but it’s never too late for Clay to enter! (All three giggle and get into the truck).
Jax: Hey, THAT would be a good platform. "It’s never too late for Clay to enter." I just might use it.
Kay and Jix: (in unison) Don’t you mean Clay might use it? (pause) Jinx. (pause) Double jinx! (plenty of giggling and jiggling all around)
The trio sing Touch at the top of their lungs while Kay drives 75 mph back to the ranch. Sadly, Jerome is simultaneously guarding Clay onstage, conducting auditions, and manning the ranch gate when they return. Not only does he confiscate their remaining beer, but he assumes that every shopping bag contains a gift for Clay, and he thoroughly checks every. single. one. He sets aside a few things that he and his kids might enjoy before he allows the broads back on the premises. Too bad they missed the lesson in misdirection. For by now, the contest is clearly over, as the camera pans to Eeyore and Clay merrily having hot monkey sex in the orchard. But these three broads are a little tipsy, a lot slutty, and perfectly happy to give each other lap dances for the rest of the night.
(So who did you think was going to end up doing the Aiken? *wink*)
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