2005-10-26 - 9:12 a.m.
So...I found out that if you politely ask to get on “The List of Local Actors” for Clay’s JNT05 tour, you actually get put on that other “List” instead. Yeah, you know the one. I think I’m on it two or three times by now.
Anyway, Clay has supposedly written some vignettes for this thing, and I have been trying to use my usually foolproof telepathic connection to figure out what and I have had no success. Why, if it weren’t for a certain fowl fan providing a few crumbs of information, I wouldn’t even know that he’d hired his old music teacher and some young Raleigh boy to perform in these vignettes. I swear, I check his blog at the OFC every day and he’s yet to tell us anything. So I’m back to making up my own stuff again. Clay is, as always, free to use any and all of my stuff that he wants.
JNT05
or
the Not-a-Concert
Clay has put in a call to the Ranch, as he needs a few Broads to come out and test-drive his somewhat questionable idea to use local actors in the vignettes he’s writing, directing, and executive-producing for the latest edition of the Joyful Noise Tour. The Broads are more than happily to oblige and a hearty selection arrive at the LA rehearsal hall, where Clay and his posse are already hard at work. Clay is sitting in one of those canvas “Director” chairs, with a beret jauntily placed on top of his head. The director’s chair is apparently new, but also slightly mangled, as Clay has spent the better part of the morning trying to sit with one legged tucked underneath the other, without success. (And sadly, without Clack. But you can picture it, can’t you?)
The Broads bestow their usual very warm greeting upon their boyfriend, and he responds in kind. He is very proud to explain the scene presently on the stage before them.
Clay: See? This scene isn’t so much a vignette as it is a tableau. So that means the people on-stage aren’t supposed to be talking, right, Nick, er, Joseph?
Nick: Why are you looking at me? I didn’t say anything.
Clay:: I saw you whispering something to Mary just a second ago. Do you care to share it with the rest of the class?
Nick: Dude, you’re not a teacher anymore.
Clay: No, but I am an executive producer. And you’re acting like a couple of schoolkids. What was he saying, Mary?
Mary: Nothing.
Clay: Nothing?
Mary: (mutters) He’s just calling me “Virgin” again. Like it was even funny the first twelve times he said it. *sticks tongue out at Nick*
Clay: Class! Class! C’mon, we’ve got company. *gestures to the Broads who haven’t even been watching this exchange but have been focused on admiring Clay’s behind instead* Now, as I was saying, Broads, this is a tableau – those French have words for stuff we haven’t even thought of, don’t they? They’re really cutting edge.
CaroleZ: Some may call them avant-garde.
Clay: Oooh. I’ll have to remember that one. Anyway, most of you can probably tell this is a Nativity scene. I figure, why not start at the very beginning? Mary and Joseph play Mary and Nick, er, make that the other way around, gosh, I barely know my right hand from my left these days. (conspiratorially) You can’t tell, but they’ve got props sewn into their robes. So when the scene finishes, Nick will be able to get me my cellphone or bottled water any time I need it, and Mary will be managing the other 113 props, along with all the details of the musicians, crew, and venue.
(directs attention back to stage) Quiana, Angela, and Jacob play the three wise men. It’s a good thing Quiana wasn’t in charge of directions or the baby Jesus might still be wandering around the desert somewhere!
Quiana: Very funny.
Clay: Speaking of the baby Jesus, for some reason, Andy Abad would not let us use his new baby in that part, even though she would have been perfect for it, other than she’s a girl…and unable to provide salvation for the sinners of the world.
Andy: (dressed as a shepherd) You can’t prove that. *smiles proudly at worn picture of his baby that he pulls from his layers of robes*
Clay: (continuing) Nick thought we could use Raleigh, but she kept trying to bite through the swaddling clothes. So finally, we just used one of the stuffed animals that my fans are always sending me. A penguin actually.
OH Cindy: Don’t tell me. You named him Pedro.
Clay: How did you know? (suddenly Pedro starts emitting an eerie multi-colored glow) Oh good. It’s working.
Nick: I don’t know, dude. Do you really think the baby Jesus should be blinking like that? It’s kinda creepy.
Clay: I think it’s a cool effect. Besides, I really needed to unload all those blinking lights my fans seem to think I enjoy so much. Also, since there’s no dialogue in this scene, we have to provide some cue that it’s time to segue into the next song.
Erin: Segue. Isn’t that another French word?
Clay: Oui oui.
Robin: Wow. French just seems to roll off your tongue so naturally.
Clay: It does indeed. *clears throat* So...we’ve got the Virgin, the wise men, and the baby Jesus. But what are we missing?
(pause)
Broads?
OH Cindy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m still thinking of your French tongue.
CaroleZ: It’s kinda hard not to, especially when you’re wearing that beret. What was the question again?
Clay: I asked what the scene was still missing. Hint: This is where some audience participation will come in.
Nelle: Hmmmm, I don’t remember them playing naked Twister in The Bible, but is that it?
Clay: This is a manger, not The Ranch! C’mon, Broads. Don’t you see Andy and Felix dressed like shepherds up there....?
Pam: Oh, I know, I know! You need animals. How about starting with the nice ass that Clay rides in on?
Clay: Clay isn’t in the Bible! Joseph and Mary ride the nice as.., er, donkey to the inn.
Pam: So that would mean that Nick would ride me? Okay!
Clay: Actually, it should be Mary riding you.
Pam: Oooh, sorry, Mary, you’re nice and all, but I just don’t swing that way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Other Broads: HA!! Doesn’t swing that way? Yeah right. I’ve got pictures from last night that say otherwise.
Clay: Okay, I don’t need to know what goes on at The Ranch when I’m not there. And Joseph and Mary are already safely on stage. No, I need some animals to accompany and service me while I make my grand entrance.
Pam: So you could ride in me, er, ride me in...er, ride me on to the stage.
Clay: I could, but I’m not going to this time. (whispers to her) Look, I’ll catch you later, but can we just move this along? (aloud) Can anyone guess what my grand entrance will be?
Jill: Bungee jumping from the balcony?
Clay: That was my first choice! But something about structural integrity of older buildings, along with a severe lack of height apparently meant I’d be suffering either a concussion or other bodily injury every night, so they nixed that idea. Like they couldn’t just use a smaller bungee cord. Sheesh. Guess again.
Nelle: You’re going to rise up like an angel, out of a billowing cloud of smoke!
Clay: Nope. Already did that.
Nelle: Yes, you did, didn’t you? Wearing two different purple ties, as I recall. But you weren’t dressed as an angel.
Clay: Wasn’t I?
Nelle: Oh my goodness, yes, of course you were!
Clay: Anyone else have a guess?
Erin: What if they just strung a zip cord from the balcony to the stage? You could ride on that! And we could all run underneath you, looking up into a world of wonder that exists only in heaven or under your heavenly robes, more than ready to help you get off when you finally make it to the stage.
Clay: Man, you guys are good. Another great idea of mine that was nixed due to building codes and other liability issues. I AM going to walk to the stage from the rear of the theater. Yes, yes, I know, I already did that during the Independent Tour, but this time I’m going to be playing a musical instrument.
Pam: I don’t care how cute you are, I am NOT dragging a piano down that aisle.
Clay: Don’t worry, I won’t be playing piano. I’m not even going to be an angel. Nope. I’m going to be the Little Drummer Boy, playing my drum and singing about the Good News the night has brought to all the audience. You guys are going to be animals, helping to deliver other musical instruments to the band members on stage.
(Mary starts to hand out a selection of instruments that she pulls out from under her robes: a saxophone, guitar, bass, drumsticks, and two ukeleles)
Jill: Are the ukeleles just for show?
Clay: No, Quiana and Angela will be playing those later, when they accompany me on Blue Christmas. Oops. I meant to keep that a secret.
Jill: So, Clay, if we’re animals, are we supposed to be down on all fours?
Clay: That might make it hard to manage those big instruments.
Jill: Actually, sometimes it’s easier to manage a big instrument when you’re on your knees. Just sayin’.
Pam: Plus we’ll be in a better position to help you if you, say, lose a contact, or if it looks like you’re going to trip on something…or y’know, if we just get bored...
Clay: Well, it’s up to you whether you want to walk or crawl, just make sure to get my instruments to the stage in one piece. I want this to be an unforgettable entrance.
And so it went, that between all the Broads with their preferred positions, and Clay with his giant instrument, the Grand Entrance was performed many times that day, and on into the night, much to the delight and satisfaction of all participants.
Meanwhile, the Band members were left to fiddle with their own instruments, and Nick and Mary bickered like any married couple who weren’t getting any.
And whether it involved skipping, walking, or crawling, somehow they all made it to vignette rehearsals the next day.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Thanks to ClayLove from the ClayBoard for capturing the most beautiful pictures of Clay on one of his most beautiful days, and sharing them with the rest of us. I love them so much, I had to use some more than once! Hope you don't mind.
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