2005-11-01 - 11:03 a.m.
JNT2005
or the Not a Concert, part quatre
After another extended break, Clay and the Broads head back to the stage. While Clay was hoping to get through his entire script in the course of two days (seemed reasonable for a two-hour show), he’s now just hoping to rehearse one more of the scenes with Broads standing in for the “local actors.” This scene is a climactic one, where the sassy, intelligent young boy finally breaks through the stone cold heart of his embittered old neighbor, Mrs. Crabtree. *winks*
It’s getting late at night, so the wholesome Raleigh actors have headed back to their hotel, all hopped up on taffy. Clay has decided to read the part of young Peyton himself, and hmmmm, OH Cindy has graciously agreed to play Mrs. Crabtree, even though that’s actually her maiden name.
Clay has planned to have a “miserable husband” play the part of Mr. Crabtree, and Nick is perfect for the role, even though he and Mary have played “Joseph” and “Mary” for all of two minutes. He also needs someone to play Mama Kaye. Since Carol (FL) proved her prowess as a taffy-puller, he’s assigned her this task. The other Broads assemble to watch as Clay directs, executive-produces, and stars in this final bit of his production.
Isn’t he something?
Now breathe....and
ACTION!
(Clay and Carol are slowly walking along the stage, from their house to Mrs. Crabtree’s. He is holding a wrapped package in his hands.)
Clay as child: But Mama, you know I don’t like going to Mrs. Crabtree’s house. It always smells like dust.
Carol Oh, honey, that really must bother you what with all your allergies.
Clay the Man: Carol, that’s not in the script. You’re supposed to tell me to look for the good in people. (clears throat and continues in boy voice) And Mama, her food is always yucky. (makes face)
Carol: (sticking to script) Now, Peyton, I’m going to tell you one more time. You will behave yourself and only say nice things to Mr. and Mrs. Crabtree. They’re lonely older people and they don’t get much company. (under breath) God, you’re cute.
Clay: That’s because they’re always so mean to people! Mrs. Crabtree is always telling me not to touch her stuff and to lower my voice! And Mr. Crabtree just sits there like a smelly lump on a log!
Carol: Peyton! How are we supposed to help Mrs. Crabtree find her Christmas spirit if you’ve lost yours? Now smile your nicest smile, and ring the doorbell. (he does so reluctantly)
OH Cindy: No need to ring the bell! I’m not deaf you know, I could hear that rascal pounding his big feet all along the sidewalk. (looks admiringly at Clay’s feet)
Carol: Merry Christmas, Mrs. Crabtree. Peyton has made you something. Isn’t it a handsome package?
OH Cindy: (under breath) God, yes. (she snatches the package from him with a knowing wink) Well, don’t just stand there letting in the cold. Come in and take off your coats and boots. (they only mime doing so much to the dismay of all the Broads who were hoping for at least a partial disrobing, as Cindy opens the package) What’s this supposed to be?
Carol: Don’t you recognize a good ball when you see one?
OH Cindy: Of course I do! I’m just sticking to the script.
Clay the Man: Thank you. (shoots a face at Carol, then continues in his child voice, which is quite adorable, by the way ~ can you hear it?) Don’t you recognize an ornament when you see one?
OH Cindy: (eyeing it suspiciously) This doesn’t look like any ornament that I’ve ever seen. But go ahead and put it on the tree. Just be sure not to touch any of the other ornaments! I don’t need you breaking anything!
(Clay walks over to where Nick is sitting like a lump on a log, well, actually, he’s text-messaging a few people, and Clay mimes putting his ornament on a tree while he also secretly steps on Nick’s shoelaces and unties them – NOTE to Clackhouse: I said “unties,” not “ties” – there’s a difference. *g*)
OH Cindy: Let’s all sit down before my dinner gets cold. Come along, Mr. Crabtree, I’ve already made your plate.
(Nick comes over to join the others, and barely stops himself from tripping over his untied laces. The Broads in the audience giggle, but soon stop as they read the text message he’s sent to all of them. I’m not telling you what it said.)
Clay: Mama, do I have to eat these vegetables? I don’t even recognize them.
Carol: Of course you don’t have to eat your vegetables, sweetie.
OH Cindy: You’ll grow up to be big and strong without any rotten vegetables.
Carol: That’s right. Too much salad can killya, y’know.
Clay the Man: Gurrls! You’re veering off the script again. And I’ll have you know that I had to eat plenty of vegetables growing up. Well, until Brett came along and I could sneak them onto his plate. Now, let’s get back to the script. *ahem* (in child’s voice) Mama, do I have to eat these vegetables? I don’t even recognize them.
Carol: *sighs* Peyton! You will apologize to Mrs. Crabtree right this instant!
Clay: (looking sheepish) I’m sorry, Mrs. Crabtree. Can you please tell me what vegetable this is?
OH Cindy: What’s wrong with you, child? Haven’t you ever seen collard greens before?
Clay: (under breath) Collard greys is more like it. (He reluctantly puts some on his plate and heaves a big sigh. He puts some in his mouth and tries to chew, but can’t. quite. make it. He reaches for a glass of milk, and knocks over the gravy boat in the process.)
Carol: Oh my goodness! Mrs. Crabtree, I’m so sorry that Peyton is being so difficult and clumsy tonight. Let me help you clean up. (The two women start to mime clean, and then notice Clay looking like a young child, ashamed of his behaviour. Their best Broadly instincts kick in and they immediately begin to provide “comfort.”)
OH Cindy: There, there, young man. It’s really no big deal, just a stain on my sheet, er, table cloth, I don’t even want to clean it. Let me give you a hug.
Carol: Back off, Crabtree! He’s my kid, so I’m the one who should be giving him a hug! Come, come, baby.
Clay: Broads! You’re improvising way too much! No one comforts young Clayto…, er, Peyton in this scene! They decide that as punishment he should help Mrs. Crabtree do the dishes! But you also totally skipped over the important part where Mrs. Crabtree picks up the gravy boat and fondly remembers her cousin giving it to her as a wedding present! They haven’t spoken in years, because of some stupid argument that she can’t even remember anymore. Peyton is intrigued how anyone can hold a grudge that long and wonders what her cousin looks like and if she has knees that are as jiggly as Mrs. Crabtree’s! She wants to say something smart to him in return but then she giggles as she’s secretly wondering the same thing! Arrrrgh! The message isn’t supposed to be that boys who will one day grow up to be handsome successful young men should be overly indulged, (under breath) although I may have to explore that concept more for my next play – it’s that people can find friends and joyfulness in the most unexpected places if they just continue to reach out to each other!
(pauses) Now. Should we even bother with the last scene or just call it a night?
Nelle: That depends. What’s the last scene?
Clay: The climactic moment of the play.
All Broads: Climactic moment! Climactic moment!
Clay: Okay, okay, but let’s give someone else a chance to play Mrs. Crabtree.
OH Cindy: Oh sure. I get you all worked up and you turn to someone else for the climactic moment?
Carol: Hey! Who’s the one who got him worked up?
OH Cindy: HA! You’re playing his mother!!
Carol: Yes, but we’re just acting! Everyone knows we’re just acting!
Pam: Can’t really tell from here. Just sayin’.
Jill: Amen, sistah.
(Carol and OH Cindy jump on Pam and Jill, which starts a big old Broadpile. Clay is tempted to jump in, but instead decides to pull Allison out and have her complete the scene.)
Clay: Here’s the script, Allison. Do you promise to do it as written?
Allison: Of course, Clay.
Clay: Let me just put on my headset mic so that I’ll be ready to sing the song at the end.
Allison: Gurgle gurgle. (She and Clay start to mime washing dishes.)
Clay as child: Mrs. Crabtree?
Allison: Yes dear?
Clay: Is that a baby pie I see on that counter?
Allison: Why yes it is. I made it just for myself.
Clay: But why would you do that?
Allison: Because not that many other people like it. In fact, I bet you would think that it’s “yucky.” It has vegetables in it.
Clay: Vegetables? Yuck. What kind of vegetables?
Allison: Lima beans.
Clay: Lima bean pie! That’s my all-time favorite! My granny always makes it for me!
Allison: (laughs) So you’ll eat vegetables if they’re cooked in a pie?
Clay: Nobody ever told me they were vegetables. Are you sure about that?
Allison: Yes I am. (they continue to mime washing dishes together, then she winks) Would you like to have a piece?
Clay: Oh yes ma’am!
The two enjoy partaking of Allison’s special pie, and then “Mrs. Crabtree” starts to sing a Christmas song that she and her cousin used to sing together....she has the voice of an angel....
Allison: Said the night wind to the little lamb. Do you see what I see?
Clay: Do you see what I see?
Allison: Way up in the sky, little lamb. Do you see what I see?
Clay: Do you see what I see?
Together: A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a tail as big as a kite, with a tail as big as a kite.....
The two continue singing and all the Broads listen with tears in their eyes...
finis
ARE YOU READY FOR THE JNT2005?
Many thanks to the talented and oh-so-huggable cha cha trusty for the screencaps and wallpapers that I brazenly stole from her site.
Thanks also to all my Broad friends for letting me make them do stuff they may not normally do in my skit.
Thanks mostly to Clay Aiken for always giving me great material to work with…and for always extending his capabilities and putting on a fantastic show! I’ll see you tomorrow night!
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