2005-11-22 - 11:01 a.m.
*sigh*
My JNT05 days are over. That�s right. No more shows for me. Sure, I�d love to go, but I have this thing called �a job.� Not only do my employers expect me to �work� everyday, but they also pay me this thing called �a salary� which allows me to pay my �bills.� So, the only way I could go to another JNT05 show would be if I found a different job which would pay me a salary and travel expenses to watch Clay sing all over the country. Does a job like that even exist?
Of course it does! Just think � every person on tour with Clay right now is getting paid to be there! And, looky here, there seem to be two recent openings. I don�t have much of a singing voice and I refuse to wear white pants in public, so I won�t be applying to take Jacob�s place. No, but I hear Clay�s �artistic consultant� has finally headed home as well. I have no idea what an �artistic consultant� is or what the duties are, but something tells me I am eminently qualified to fulfill every single one of them. I�ll even rewrite JohnD�s lines at no extra charge! Although�I actually know how to log into the OFC using my own screenname. Would I have to unlearn that? I think I could manage.
But just in case Clay realizes that his �artistic consultant�s� contributions were actually quite minimal and not really necessary for the tour�s success (shhhhhh), I have another idea.
Clay�s been on tour for nearly three weeks now, and as happy as he seemed to be about the chance to tutor young Gregory during the time period that he�d normally be in bed, sleeping and stuff, I�m pretty sure he�s gotten rather bored. Teaching is work, y�all! Especially writing up those nasty lesson plans. So I propose that Clay hire me to fill those shoes, and he can pay me in kind. I�ve even written out some sample lesson plans, which I submit for his approval.
Language Arts I don�t think Clay should focus his time on grammar and punctuation � Gregory can just catch up on that when he returns to his regular school - but instead Clay should focus on something he�s really good at: Vocabulary. Especially those multiple meaning words, like soon, subtle, and we.
Exercise example:
1. Rewrite this sentence:
Dadgummit! We�ve been arcing my back for ages now and even though I know it�s gonna make some people mad, if we don�t get subtle and soon, I�ll have a backflash into Clay�s last GMA appearance five years ago!
2. Define: a) Artistic Consultant b) Personal assistant
3. Write an essay describing each of the following conflicts, using actual events from the drama that is the JN2005: Man against Man, Man against Machine, Man against Nature, Man against Wall.
French: Apparently Gregory�s education involves some French instruction, and I don�t know if Clay is really qualified to teach him here. Certainly I can show him how to conjugate a few verbs, and this is best done in a conjugal environment. While we�re there, I can show Clay the difference between the rolling R of the Spanish tongue and the gutteral R of the French one. You have to make that sound from way in the back of your throat � if Clay isn�t familiar with this position, I can open wide and demonstrate it for him.
I also thought it might be nice for Gregory to read Le Petit Prince by Antoine de St. Exupery. Then he can write a paper explaining it to the rest of us. I tend to think it�s one more example of a paranoid neurotic self-important artiste masquerading his drug-induced hallucinations as high art, but when I wrote an essay saying: St. Exupery est fou. Tres fou. Beaucoup fou., it was handed back and I had to write it again.
Math The distributive property or whatever it�s called? Really, Clay? *sigh* As a math teacher myself, I may just have to turn you in. Or turn you on.
To math, of course! For the distributive property is but one measly property among others equally as important. And I don�t just mean those simplistic and obvious associative and commutative ones, but the IDENTITY properties. Now we�ve all seen the identity property of addition in action at the OFCMB. This in essence states that for every positive number there is a corresponding negative number, which when added together, equal ZERO. That�s right, ZERO. Zilch, zip, nothing, nada.
But how about that identity property for multiplication? That states that for every number (excluding zero) there is a reciprocal value, which when multiplied together, equals ONE. Yes, in math, two can indeed become one. And what exactly is a reciprocal? Well, it�s kinda like turning a number upside down � not exactly like a 6 and a 9, but those could certainly be used for demonstration purposes.
I also have some materials ready for the study of shapes and measurements, with a real focus on three-dimensional objects. I have some prisms and pyramids and spheres all mocked up, but I do need to get my hands on an obelisk. *sigh* Poor obelisks, almost always overlooked and underappreciated. Not by me, of course.
Art Appreciation: This is a great lesson, because I've combined it with some statistics (yes, yes, I know it�s a foolish and ultimately wasted endeavour) and even some career planning. First, Gregory can sort all the artistic gifts that Clay receives at every tour stop into various genres (watercolor, needlepoint, bedazzled, stitchwitcheried, macaroni-enhanced, doesn�t even look like Clay, etc.). Then he can interview the folks who give Clay these gifts and ask the following questions:
1) Do you have any art in your house that looks like you?
2) Do you give homemade art to other people with their likenesses on it?
3) Would you ever wear a blanket with your face on it? In that same vein, would you even drink out of a mug with your face on it? Where would you be comfortable using or displaying your own self-portrait publicly?
4) When someone has so many artistic renditions of himself given to him, should he
a) hide them
b) toss them
c) open a museum
d) give them to his mother
e) come up with yet another synonym for creative, enthusiastic, and energetic.
P.E.: Walk the dog.
Music Theory: Answer the following: Why is it taking so long for Clay�s second CD to be released? I�ve heard a lot of theories and none of them make sense to me. If his former �artistic consultant� is responsible for delaying the release date to this extreme, then she�s not nearly the �artistic consultant� I would be. Yes, I do believe in building some anticipation and delaying the release slightly, but after a certain point, it just becomes obnoxious.
Current Events: For the past several years, Canadians and Americans have engaged in a �Soft Wood Lumber Dispute.� Find out the following: Who�s responsible for the wood going soft in the first place? How can one Canadian and one American come together and fix this whole mess?
Science: The Big Bang Theory. Describe the parameters of this theory, i.e. what puts the �big� in �bang?� Is it strictly a matter of size, sound, strength, ramifications, or a combination of these and other factors?
Okay, maybe those last few are a little inappropriate for an 11-year old, but Clay can certainly see that I have those enthusiastic and creative �think-outside-the-box� qualities that he seems to admire so much.
In summation, I believe I would be a fantastic complement to Clay�s already magnificent staff, and am ready to board the bus anytime.
Just make sure to wash the sheets first.
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