2005-06-04 - 3:21 p.m.

This was originally posted at a Clay Aiken fansite on April 2, 2005. We'd just found out that Clay had applied for a trademark for a talkshow, "Every Day with Clay Aiken." And for some unknown reason, his fans began to speculate on what this meant, which was odd, because we're usually so level-headed, especially where new photos are involved. Anyway, I had some thoughts on what the show would entail, and a few of my friends (unnamed as they are not innocent, but rather guilty by association) wondered whether we'd get a Waldo Cam. Hmmm. A Waldo Cam. Now would that be looking at Waldo or somehow strapped to Waldo? Again, I had a few thoughts....

It’s April, so I hope that Clay is finally finding his way into a recording studio, with maybe a camera or two tracking his every move. But what would the "Every Day with Clay Aiken" crew have seen had they decided to follow him in January and February?

I know that I would find the prospect of watching him eat a huge honkin’ bowl of cereal in front of the bigscreen tv every afternoon at 3pm positively riveting. And of course, maybe we could have a stubble watch meter in the corner of our tv screens, and on-line betting about when he would next decide to shave. This alone would be enough to keep me a faithful viewer, but perhaps other questions would finally be answered as well:

When Nick is playing shirtless basketball in the back yard, does Clay occasionally challenge him to a game of "shirts vs. skins?"

When he talks to his mom on the phone, does Clay roll his eyes and make talking motions with his left hand the way that I do I’ve heard other people do?

When it’s time to decide whether it will be microwave or take-out, what’s Clay’s thought process? Does it really just depend on the proximity of his cellphone or whether he remembered to tell Nick to charge it? I mean, if he has to get off his couch to get one of his phones, isn’t just an extra couple of steps to put that hotpocket in the microwave?

But what I’d really liked to have seen is that day in February when Clay finally found that fax from Giant Merchandising underneath the pizza boxes and the magazines that Nick left lying around. [What! I told Nick I did not want this smut in mah house! And have those rags really gotten so lazy that they just alternate pictures of Nick and Jessica with Jennifer Aniston for their covers?]

Of course, when Clay didn’t respond to their fax initially, Giant tried to e-mail him, but he deleted all their attempts along with other spam e-mail promising to make him bigger, stronger, or harder. [What! Do they want me to kill someone? Shouldn’t they have a screening process for this shi...stuff? Next thing you know, they’ll be sending it to women!] And Giant only had the number to one of his cellphones, which just happened to be the one that Raleigh buried between the couch cushions. So the good folks at Giant resigned themselves to no Valentines merchandise for February, but they weren’t too concerned since they knew that Clay’s fans would purchase it any time of year.

But Clay did find that fax in February, and Boxers and Candles and Mugs Oh My! he wanted his bit…, er, fans in his drawers on that special night. So he got right on that phone [Oooh, I hope he did a little misguided yelling] and authorized the use of his trademarked name and likeness.

"But, Mr. Aiken, Valentines is just over a week away. We’ll need to do a mass mailout so that your fans know all about these great new products which we’d like to mark up 700% and sell to them. Do you have a fan club e-mail list we could use?"

"HAHA! No. Just put them on the website and they’ll find them."

"Why? Do you actually think some of your fans check your merchandise website daily to see what we’re stocking?"

"HAHA. Of course not. My fans aren’t so supportive that they’d check daily. But they are enthusiastic and supportive enough to check hourly. Trust me. If you make it, they will come."

So yeah, I’d watch Clay Aiken Every Day, Any Day.

To see or be seen, that’s the question. I say why can’t we do both? But do we really want to see what Waldo sees? Hmmm...can I hear a "hell yeah!" I for one would love to see what he sees. Walk with me, talk with me...

First, we know that Waldo spends much of its his time nestled against one of Clay’s thighs. Usually the right one, but sometimes the left. And other times he’s looking right at Clay’s bellybutton. Or very likely past it. Oh. My. Could we possibly get a view of his rib cage? I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but I’d certainly love a lingering glimpse at any of those heavenly regions.

But what else does Waldo see in his daily travels? Ummm...Clay’s hand maybe? And I’m not just talking about the mindless random scratching and fondling movements that guys’ hands make all day long, and which is really why you should always let the guy hold the remote control when you’re relaxing after dinner with company around, even if you have to take out the batteries so that he can’t change the channel every 0.6 seconds, or even if the tv isn’t actually turned on, but especially if your mother is there. Oh believe me, I’d pay big bucks to see those instinctive movements, but I’d really like to see the more purposeful movements Clay’s hands make, and you know what I’m talking about.

When and where do they happen? How long and how often? Lying on the bed, sitting on the couch, or standing in the shower? OMG. The shower. He has to make some purposeful movements in the shower no matter what. I mean, he said he likes to keep clean. But how clean and how often? Soap or shower gel? Circular or stroking motions? Does he let the water do the rinsing or does he help it along? Does he do any additional grooming in the area? Shake or towel dry? Rough or gentle toweling? WHOA. Each questions begets another. But they could ALL be answered with a simple Waldo Cam. Or with a tell-all interview with a forward-thinking and determined Canadian Broad.

Of course, I’m still not finished with my walkabout. See, next I got to thinking about who else hangs out in Waldo’s vicinity. We’re talking about...hmmmm, who are we talking about? They’ve been described as titanium, but they’ve never been given any names. Lenny and Ralph? Nah. That sounds like a couple of disgruntled blue-collar workers. Oh, sure, we do all the work and he takes all the credit. Let’s see, they’re hanging with a millionaire now, so maybe they’d like to be called Leonardo and Rafael? Nah, too pretentious. Maybe they’re still the geeky duo of Lester and Raymond from back in Raleigh? Or perhaps the fun-loving twosome of the NaT, Larry and Rob?

OMG, y’all, I’ve just had a thought. Maybe Clay is so upset that as a fandom we never got around to naming his balls objectifying every part of his body equally in an effort to practice the philosophy of inclusion that he’s decided not to leave a message on his website until we do.

So, Clay, you can count on me to take the balls by the hand take the bulls by the horn and say that Larry and Rob are the two guys I’d most like to hang out with. But I need to know, do the boys always travel as a trio, or do they sometimes sit on opposite sides of the aisle from their pal Waldo? And who makes that decision? You, them, or your PANTS!? Would someone help me with these questions please?

p.s. If Clay leaves a message for his fans on his website in the next few days, you know who to thank.

p.p.s. I’m also looking for a shout-out in his next tour program, something along the lines of "and as a special thanks to Eeyore, for finally giving my balls the respect they deserve, I’ll make sure my tour gets to her town by 2008."

(editorial note 1: I’d heard the names Ben & Jerry before, but assumed that was generic, like Peter or Willy. Or Dick.)

(editorial note 2: I swear to god, instead of looking for a website message as a shout-out, I was going to say "start up his official fanclub," but figured that was reaching too far. I post this and three days later, BOOM! The fanclub launches.)

previous - next

powered by SignMyGuestbook.com