2005-06-04 - 10:36 a.m.
Hee! My first diary entry! I'm sure it's pretty stark in here. Sorry about that. I hope to hang up some pictures soon. I wrote this skit in early May 2005 to poke some gentle, affectionate fun at Clay Aiken and the diversity of his fanbase. The fans are all composite caricatures and are not meant to mock one particular fan or group of fans.
ELIMIGREET
Clay is walking toward the camera, feet at the familiar 10 and 2. He’s wearing jeans, a beautiful muted green t-shirt with a visible white t-shirt underneath, and the blazer from his second Oprah appearance. He speaks in a voiceover as we watch him walk:
I’m 26 years old. I’m a special education teacher and a singer. In my spare time, I like to take naps, play with my dog, and text message my friends. (cut to Clay addressing camera) Hi. I’m Clay Aiken. I’m blessed to have some of the most amazing and enthusiastic fans anywhere in the world. Today I’m going to meet with four of them to see which fan and her crew will get to spend the day with me and my crew as we rehearse for our upcoming Jukebox Tour, which you’ll be able to catch this summer at a city near you. (turns and speaks quietly to someone off-camera) So you can just edit that last sentence in for the eastern and central broadcasts, right?
Cut to a younger, attractive, but slightly nervous woman walking toward Clay. We hear her voiceover and then see her talking directly to the camera:
I’m 22 and a senior in college. I’m studying to be a special education teacher, like Clay. Hi! I’m Angelica. I’m a Christian and a total Claymate. In my spare time I like clayversions, cellcert chats, praying for Clay, and thinking about helping those less fortunate. I have sooooo much in common with Clay!
She walks up to Clay and greets him in total fangirlie mode. She hugs him but can barely speak.
Clay: Hey. How are ya?
Angelica: Oh. my. god. Hi, Clay. I’m Angelica. I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you.
Clay: Just breathe for me, Angelica. I ain’t gonna bite.
A: I’m a total Claymate, so of course I have a gift for you. (hands him a paper in a frame) It’s a list of signatures of all the people from our last 24 hour prayer chain. There’s my name there (points) and there. I did two shifts last time. But I pray for you every morning and night as well.
Clay: Well, that’s really sweet, Angelica. Wow. My fans are so, um, supportive.
A (to camera): I think he totally loved my present. Oh my god. I’m still shaking. But he loved it, and he’s going to pick me, because he can totally see how NOT selfish I am.
Clay (to camera): Angelica seems nice. Of course, it’s gonna be kinda hard having to look at my own face on her t-shirt all day. I’m touched by her present, but I also hope she and her friends spend time praying for and helping out those truly less fortunate than me.
Cut to a second woman walking toward Clay. She’s a little older and much more confident than the previous fan. Again, we hear her voiceover before she addresses the camera directly:
I own my own business, I love to travel and am fortunate that my career allows me to do so. I used to visit different countries, but I’ll admit that these days, I’m usually traveling to Clay concerts. Hi. My name is Brodi and I’m 30….something. I enjoy gardening, and I also do volunteer work for the Humane Society and Special Olympics. I firmly believe that Clay Aiken epitomizes the pinnacle of male pulchritude. In other words, he’s totally hawt, and I wanna….(camera cuts her off)
Clay: Hey. How are ya?
Brodi: Hey, Clay. I’m Brodi. (she gives him a confident, lingering hug and breathes in his scent) Wow. You smell as nice as you look.
Clay: Well, thank ya, Brodi.
Brodi: I brought you a little something. (she coyly yet seductively hands him a shiny purple bag)
Clay: (pulling out a gorgeous silk purple polka-dotted tie and matching boxers) These are really nice. Oh goodness. (giggling) I shouldn’t be showing my underwear on tv.
B: It’s not like you’re wearing them. Although I can help you change into them right now, if you’d like.
A: Gross!
B (continuing while Clay is still speechless): But, Clay, you have to promise me something. You have to wear them together. That way, if I see you wearing the tie, I’ll know that the boxers are also enveloping your other fine….assets. (she not-so-discreetly looks toward his frontal boxer area)
Clay: Well, we’ll have to see about that. (turns boxers over in his hand) Did you rig them up somehow so you’ll be able to tell?
Scene cuts to the solo shot commentaries:
A (to camera): Oh my god. That was so disgusting. That old lady was all over him! She’s like a big old pervert or something.
Clay (to camera): This Brodi seems kinda interesting, although I’m not sure my mama would approve. (laughs) My fans do send me a lot of underwear, and I’ve worn every single pair, even the smuttier ones. (now speaks in a way meant to assure the viewer that he’s atoning for his obvious glee) But that’s just coss I don’t like doing laundry.
B (to camera): I should’ve put a camera in there. (fans self) Gawd, he’s hawt.
Now the camera cuts to the third approaching fan, another slightly more mature woman. You know the drill. First the voiceover, then the talk to the camera:
I’m within a couple years of 40, not saying which way. I work in education and really enjoy researching all things Clay-related. In my spare time, I post on Clay message boards, listen to the cellstream, and attend Clay concerts and pre-concert gatherings. Hi. My name is Myrna, and I think I’ve finally figured out the whole TicketBastard, FanClub presale debacle.
Clay: Hey. How are ya? (he hugs her somewhat awkwardly as she had only offered him her hand)
Myrna: Hi Clay. I brought you something.
Clay: Another present? You guys are too generous. (He holds up a t-shirt which reads "My friend went to a Clay concert and all I got was a lousy cellcert (™CHA)." He giggles a little and attempts to speak.)
Myrna (stopping him): Now before you say anything, I know you own the trademark on cellcert, which is why I’ve put in the symbol. I’m also giving it to you so I’m not making any profit.
Clay: Well, you’re in luck, coss I’m having a special today. One trademarked word or phrase for everybody! Angelica got a "Claymate" reference before y’all arrived.
B: Can I take "Every Day with Clay Aiken?"
Clay: We’ll have to see. I believe this is a competition. But what’s the Cha?
Myrna: Cha?
Clay (pointing to shirt): Yeah. It says TM CHA.
Myrna: Those are your initials, Clay.
Clay (embarrassed): Oh, Lord and Taylor, they are indeed! Speaking of initials, I don’t believe I got your name, sweetheart.
Myrna: It’s Myrna.
A: Oh, wow, just like that dwarf-chick from the Amazing Race! Clay and I watch that show, you know.
Clay: Whoa. Whoa. First, I don’t watch any television that I would admit to publicly. Second, we don’t say dwarf chick. People first language says she’s a chi..., er, lady with dwarf, um, dwarf-like..
Myrna: Dwarfism?
Clay: That’s it. A lady with dwarfism.
B: I’m pretty sure they prefer being called Little People, so she’s a Little Person.
Clay: A person, who’s little.
B: Little person.
Clay: Person who’s little.
B: Little person.
This seems to continue for awhile, so thankfully the scene shifts to Angelica again addressing the camera:
A: I can’t believe they let in another old lady! What’s with Clay and his older fans anyway? At least this one isn’t so pervy like the last one. But oh my gosh. I don’t even think either one of them is a Christian. Like me and Clay. He is SO going to pick me.
M: I’m glad he seems to have the diversity of his fanbase represented on this show. I’m really looking forward to sharing some numbers with him and picking his brain about the direction of his next tour and especially his next album. I just need to know what makes him tick.
B: Arguing with Clay Aiken is HAWT. I swear I almost had an orga….(gets cut off again as we see the final contestant walking toward the group for that same drill)
I’m 27 years old and I’ve worked in a variety of jobs. My unemployment doesn’t run out till next month, so I’ve still got time to either find something else or convince Clay to marry me. In my spare time, I like trying to figure out what Clay’s doing in his spare time. Hi, my name is CeCe, and I am Clay’s number one fan ever. Nobody loves him more than I do, not even his mama. The last time I was in Raleigh I overheard several of her conversations and in one, she wasn’t even talking about Clay. ALL of my conversations are about Clay. As for my mom and dad, if you and the rest of my so-called "friends and family" are watching this, you’d better call off your latest lame attempt at an "intervention." Clay and I WILL be together. You’ll see.
CeCe (gives Clay a slow hug): Hey, Clay. It’s so good to be back in your arms again.
Clay (laughs awkwardly): Have we met?
CeCe: Don’t be silly. We met at the Hurricanes game in December 2003. Remember? And we’ve seen each other tons of times since then. Remember singing to me at the concert in Nashville last summer? You couldn’t take your eyes off me all night.
Clay: Allrighty then. You know I do a lot of shows, so I’m sorry, you look pretty familiar, but I don’t remember your name.
CeCe: You’re such a kidder. I guess you’re pretending for the sake of the others. (glances disdainfully at her competitors) It’s CeCe. It stands for Connected to Clay.
Clay: Now I’m sure your mama didn’t give you that name.
CeCe: No. I changed it legally, just like you changed yours.
Cut to scenes of the women talking directly to the camera in their solo spots:
M: CeCe? Completely. Crazy.
B: Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
A: If you ask me, I think CeCe should stand for Kinda Creepy. But now I’m thinking about changing my name so Clay and I have something else in common.
Clay (addressing the assembled fans): Okay. I just realized I’ve got to make a few phone calls....
CC: Don’t you want to see my present?
Clay: I’ll check it out later. Why don’t you show the others while I make those calls?
CC: Anything you want, baby. (to the others who are now huddled together) Look. I’ve made this scrapbook of all my dates with Clay. (The other women, along with the camera, pan through a series of blurry pictures, most of which seem to be taken from behind bushes or fences with a zoom lens. Clay near the tour bus. Clay at a hotel. Clay at a restaurant in NC.)
The camera cuts to Clay speaking quietly into his phone: I’m telling you she dyed her hair and changed her name, but it’s definitely #2 on the list. I know I gave you the day off, but you’ve got to get down here as quickly as you can.
After a moment, Clay comes back and claps his hands together teacher-style to get the attention of the women standing in front of him.
Clay: Well, I’m happy you were all able to make it here today. We’re gonna try to have some fun, but we also want to do some good. You may remember that I helped a Best Buddies group plant over 60 trees in Florida recently, so I thought we could recreate something similar today.
Angelica quickly runs to where the saplings are waiting and yells:
A: I call Clay as my Best Buddy! First dibs! First dibs!
Clay: Now, Angelica. I’m here to be everybody’s best buddy today. So, grab a tree, everyone, and let’s start planting! While we’re working, I’d like to find out something more about each of you.
A: Ooooh! Can we go youngest to oldest? Then I get to go first!
Clay: Why don’t we just go alphabetically?
The others all wait on Angelica, who’s obviously doing some calculations of some kind in her head....
A: Yay! I still get to go first. What do you want to know, Clay? I’m a special education major, just like you were, and I wear a WWJD bracelet on my right wrist, just like you do, but I also have this WWCD bracelet on my left wrist, which stands for What Would Clay Do, and which you don’t wear, but I could totally make you one and oh my gosh, I probably should have made you one and brought it with my other present, and I’ll never be so forgetful or selfish again, and I’m like in a sorority and some of the girls in my sorority still haven’t been clayverted yet, but I’m totally working on that, and I’ve read your book like over 10 times now because I find it so totally inspirational and absolutely awesome because it’s like I can totally relate to everything you ever went through....
Camera cuts to the other women individually offering their opinions on Angelica:
B: Angelica? Hmmm…nice conversational skills, sweetie. And copy Clay much? At least I got a good long look at his *bleep!* while you were talking.
M: What can I say about Angelica other than she’s typically young and fangirlie? Her demographic certainly provides a lot of energy and enthusiasm among the fandom as a whole. I just don’t see the value in having someone like her getting a preview of his Jukebox Tour. I really don’t want to read reports of "then he sang a fast song, it’s old so I didn’t recognize it LOL, but trust me it was awesome" followed by rows of dancing bananas and smiley emoticons.
CC: Sure, she has a couple of bracelets, but does she have a tattoo? (turns around and lifts shirt to reveal a "Mrs. Aiken" tattoo on her lower back)
Clay: Two words for Angelica: Ener. Getic.
Now it’s Brodi’s turn to talk about herself. She’s bent down in the soil, oh so carefully planting her tree while she speaks. Let’s just say that Clay and his micstand have nothing on Brodi and her sapling.
B: Hey, Clay, why don’t you sit beside me and hold some equipment while I work? Gardening is one of my favorite hobbies, y’know, so it’s extra special for me to share this moment with you. Now let’s make sure the hole is the proper size. Hmmm, I think it needs to be a little deeper. What do you think, Clay? Wouldn’t deeper be better? There, Clay, that’s the way. I really like how you handle that tool. You’ve obviously got some experience. Now let’s insert the sapling so it stands tall and proud. Wow. You’ve also really got a knack for erecting things properly. Now, you keep a firm grip around the stalk while I work the soil. See? I find it’s best to use a circular motion…
Cut to the others offering their opinions on the aforementioned interaction:
A (makes a gagging face): Obviously Brodi spent so much time talking about gardening because she has nothing in common with Clay. And gardening is suuuuch a boring hobby, if you ask me. I have no idea why Clay was sweating so much when all he did was hold onto that tree for her. Ick.
CC: I was at the treeplanting in Florida, so I’m pretty confident that Clay was thinking about me the whole time the others did their planting. I’m not worried at all.
M: Heh. Isn’t smut supposed to follow angst? Gotta give props to my girl Brodi.
Clay: (confidentially) I don’t think she was talking about gardening.
Back to the group where CeCe is anxiously awaiting her turn to tell Clay a little about herself.
CC: We had so much fun in Florida in April, didn’t we, Clay?
Clay: You were there?
CC: Of course, silly. Don’t pretend you don’t remember. We planted trees and then you spoke at a conference and sang at a benefit dinner. I was there the whole time.
Clay: So you planted a tree already?
CC: Well, I was mostly watching from a distance…
Clay: But you’ve still done it, so you don’t need to do it again. Your turn, Myrna.
CC: But don’t you want to know more about me?
Clay: Hush. (puts his fingers to his lips) I already know all about you, remember?
CeCe is smugly satisfied with that answer. Let’s see what the others think:
A: Wow. Do you think Clay really remembers her? I can’t tell if he’s being honest or not, which is a horrible thing to say because Clay is like sent to us directly from heaven and he would never lie on purpose and oh my gosh if you see this later, Clay, I’m so sorry I doubted you for even a minute.
B: I swear to God, if that *bleep!* touches one hair on his head, she won’t know what hit her. Don’t worry, Clay. I’ve got your back.
M: Where the h*ll is Jerome already?
Clay (looking at watch) Where the heck is Jerome already?
Back to the group...
M: I guess it’s my turn. But instead of you finding out more about me, how about I find out more about you?
Clay: I have a feeling most of you already know everything there is to know about me. (looks suspiciously toward CeCe) I’m an open book.
M: Riiiight. Let’s talk about Clack.
Clay: Clack? What’s that?
M: You know what it is, just like you know what cellcerts and the cellstream are. And you have to know that Clack sells concert tickets! So until you give us a professional Concert DVD, we’re going to keep doing what we have to in order to provide Clack for all your fans. But can’t you call off your dogs, Clay? And while you’re at it, maybe let us work with your sound guys so that together, we can provide a decent, consistent cellstream.
Clay: I don’t make those decisions. You should talk to Jerome. (looks at his watch again)
M: You’re his boss, Clay. He has to do what you tell him to do.
Clay: Technically, yes. But I do like to give all my employees a chance to showcase their considerable talents.
M: And Jerome’s talent just happens to be confiscating cellphones and cameras?
Clay just shrugs. Cut to the reactions of the others:
B: I do love me some Clack, but blah blah blah, thanks for giving me another chance to check out his *bleep!*.
A: Oh my gosh, I don’t know what to do. I love Clack, and it’s soooo important for clayversions, but I can’t tell if Clay really wants us to see it or not. And if he doesn’t want us to watch it, we should totally respect his wishes, because he’s so smart and so good and sooooo totally awesome.
CC: I don’t really trust Clack anymore, ever since someone posted some supposed video of the Nashville concert where I KNOW that Clay sang to me all night long, but you can’t tell from the video. Whatever. They’re all just jealous.
Voiceover Dude (speaking as still pics of each contestant fill the bottom of the tv screen): Coming up next. Who will Clay cut first? Will it be Angelica, Brodi, Myrna, or CeCe?
A: Definitely CeCe. She really is kinda creepy, but I’m gonna pray for her later.
B: CeCe’s totally going home. I just hope no one gets hurt in the process.
M: I’m confused. Hasn’t he already cut CeCe?
CC: Sorry, I didn’t really catch the names of any of the others. Probably one of the old ones.
Voiceover Dude: Stick around and find out who gets sent packing and which three will play with Clay for a second round!
ROUND TWO of ELIMIGREET
Clay is standing in the middle of the group, looking uncomfortable as he’s forced to make his first elimination.
Clay: Now, you know I love all my fans equally, and I would love it if you could all watch my Jukebox rehearsal…
M: Then why can’t we?
Clay: Because the rules clearly state that someone must be eliminated after every round, Why, even on American Idol, good singers get sent home every week.
M: I was just messing with you, Clay.
Clay: Oh. As I was saying, I’d love it if you could all come with me, especially as you’ve all been amazingly enthusiastic and supportive of my career (sees Jerome driving up in a van). I honestly don’t understand what all y’all find so fascinating about me, but I certainly appreciate it. (clearly has a bright idea as Jerome pulls alongside them) You know what? Maybe we can bend the rules of the show just this once. Instead of eliminating someone, why don’t we all get in the van with Nick and Jerome and head on over to the rehearsal studio? CeCe, since I’ve known you the longest, why don’t you go first?
A: Awww, no fair.
Myrna, Clay, and Brodi all look at Angelica in disbelief. Myrna actually stops Angelica from walking toward the van in front of CeCe. Nick opens the sliding door and gives CeCe a huge welcoming smile. He then shoots Clay a look that clearly states, "I am so getting a raise after today." Fortunately, Nick’s epipen training has also made him an expert at wielding a mean tranquilizer dart. He quickly stabs CeCe in the shoulder as he hugs her. She immediately slumps into his arms. Nick reaches around her to shut the van door, and Jerome burns rubber as he backs out and heads to the nearest mental health facility where CeCe’s family and friends are waiting.
Clay (brushing hands together): Well, nothing like a little tree-planting and fearing for your safety to get your appetite going. Let’s head to one of my favorite restaurants and get some lunch. Since Nick is otherwise occupied, I suppose I’ll be driving. Now, I don’t want to be accused of playing favorites, so all three of you can sit in the back seat.
The next scene shows Clay walking in a parking lot ahead of his three fans. The women have obviously soaked in every sight, smell, and subtle nuance from their time in Clay’s SUV and are looking appropriately dazed by the experience. Their daze quickly turns into a collective wtf moment as they spy the familiar golden arches.
M: McDonalds?
Clay: It’s my favorite restaurant. Don’t worry. No drive through and no take-out. We’ll keep it classy by dining in.
M (under breath): I may have to go back and apologize for what I posted in some of those rumors threads.
Clay: You can order whatever you want.
B: I’m gonna order a happy meal. I hope I come with a toy. (Myrna stifles a giggle while Clay perks his ears to make sure he’s heard correctly.)
A: Aren’t you a little old for a happy meal?
Clay: Now now, Angelica. I order happy meals all the time. (gives Brodi a knowing wink and smile)
A: Oh gosh, Clay, I didn’t mean to offend anyone or anything like that. I just thought they had a rule that you had to be like twelve or something.
M: I thought we all were twelve.
Clay: One of you will have to explain that one to me someday. If I could be any age whatsoever, I’d certainly never be twelve again.
The two older fans look at each other, at a loss for words. Clay walks straight to the McDonalds counter and confidently makes his way behind it, basically moving the cashier and his waiting customers out of the way with his very essence.
Clay: Can I take your order, ladies?
The three giggle together like...twelve year olds and place their orders with Clay. Meanwhile the camera pans over to the cashier and the shift manager speaking quietly beside him.
Cashier: Does he always have to do this?
Shift Manager: To be fair, he usually uses the drive-through.
Cashier: But why do you let him do it? He worked here for like ten minutes that day and he thinks he knows everything.
Shift Manager: Do you have any idea how much money he’s raised for our organization? Not to mention how much he spends on food here on a monthly basis? Besides, he’s got a nice *bleep!* and I get a much better view of it from this side of the counter.
The foursome carry their trays of food to a booth near the Kiddie Playland. Angelica is about to pop a french fry into her mouth when Clay quickly and quietly bows his head to say Grace. He finishes in just a few seconds (editorial note: I hope to never write those seven words again.) and Angelica springs into action soon afterward. She lowers her head, clasps her hands together, and starts to pray aloud:
A: Dear Lord. Thank you so much for the food and company you have provided. Thank you also for keeping Clay safe and happy and healthy, especially for keeping him safe from some of his fans who are kinda creepy and scary. I’m not mentioning any names, but you’re God and you know everything, so I’m pretty sure you know who I’m talking about. And thanks for keeping me and my family safe and healthy too, and Clay’s family, especially his younger brother Brett, and also for keeping Myrna and Brodi safe and healthy. Please let Myrna and Brodi see your light, Lord, so that they can also be as happy as me and Clay and many of his other fans. Thank you for puppies and kittens and flowers and sunshine. Finally, Lord, please make sure that Clay is able to find it in his heart to pick his most awesome fan ever to spend time with him and share in your spirit and faith. Amen.
Angelica looks up dramatically and sees that the others are midway through their food. The scene now shifts to the players offering their opinions:
M: Okay, Angelica, I’m sure God will get right to all your prayer requests, especially that last selfless one.
B: Funniest thing about that whole praying in public thing? Was Clay sneak-eating his fries. Haha!
Clay: I’m usually pretty respectful when other people are praying, but my dog ate the ham and cheese hotpocket I made this morning coss I accidentally set it on the coffee table. I was hungry!
Back to the action at the table:
B: Hey, Clay, when we’re finished, what say we take a tumble in the ball pit? I’ve always wanted to be immersed in a sea of balls.
M: How are we supposed to have a meaningful conversation in a ball pit with children screaming all over the place?
B: Who said anything about a meaningful conversation? I was just hoping someone might become disoriented by all the colors and noises and twisty slides and inadvertently cop a feel.
A: Gross. No one’s...ewww, I can’t even say it, but nobody’s going to accidentally touch me, not even Clay.
B: Who said anyone wanted to touch you?
Clay: Ladies, ladies. It’s clear that you all have different interests and opinions, but we should all try to be respectful of each other.
Now we see the solo spots:
Clay: Okay, I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but considering that nobody was cheering for me or fighting over me two years ago, I kind of enjoyed that.
B: Nuts. I really wanted to play in the ball pit.
M: I like Brodi, I really do, but does everything have to revolve around sex? The man has a brain, you know.
A: I can’t believe how Clay puts up with some of his smutty fans, especially in a children’s play area, which is the last place anyone should be thinking dirty thoughts, and I’m totally not judging him or anything but seriously, one of those two actually ate a bunch of Clay’s fries while we were praying together! That’s stealing and that’s just wrong.
Voiceover Dude: Who will Clay eliminate next? Will it be Angelica, Brodi, or Myrna?
A: I’m thinking he might cut Myrna, just because he doesn’t seem to like answering her questions.
B: I hope he cuts Angelica, but I don’t know. She’s pretty chesty.
M: I hope he cuts Brodi, not because I dislike her, but because she makes it difficult to hold a decent conversation. Clay gets so easily distracted.
ROUND THREE of ELIMIGREET
Clay: Okay, it’s that time again. I’m afraid that one of you will have to go home, but at least you’ll be going home with a Clay Aiken t-shirt, which Nick forgot to give me when he came by, but just give Jerome your information and he’ll get it to you. I’m not going to drag this out like Ryan Seacrest. (looks around at the three eager fans) Myrna, I’m afraid I’m going to have to eliminate you.
M: I can’t believe it! Why?
Clay: Myrna, sweetie, don’t pretend you haven’t been cellcerting someone all day long. Jerome spotted your cellphone in your, um, somewhere in your upper body region, when he came by to collect stalker #2, er, CeCe.
Myrna (pulling a cellphone out of her bra): But when did he let you know he saw it? He hasn’t called you.
Clay: He sent me a vibrating text message. What do you guys think you see bouncing around my pockets all the time? It’s an awesome system we’ve developed.
B: Hang on, Clay. Do you have a cellphone bouncing around your inner thigh?
Clay: Well yeah. The inner thigh is much more sensitive than the outer thigh. It’s better for receiving messages. I certainly don’t want any miscommunications happening. Like going left when I should be going right. (waits for a response) Brodi?
B: Oh. Sorry. I was thinking about your sensitive inner thigh.
M: Thanks for everything anyway, Clay. Celligreet clack will be available on-line later tonight, guys.
Clay: Why would anyone need clack of a most likely static-y phone call when this whole thing will be broadcast on tv nationwide just two weeks from now?
The three women all look at each other and simultaneously burst into raucous laughter. They finally wipe tears from their eyes and give Myrna hugs as she takes her leave.
M (addressing camera): Busted. Oh well. It’s not like he was answering my questions anyway. I just hope that whoever of the two he picks brings an experienced clack gatherer with her to the rehearsal studio.
Clay: Okay, you two. You obviously represent two different types of fans, so we’re really going to have to ramp up the competition before I make my final selection. Normally, the final round takes place in a bar, but we’ll be heading back to the soundstage at the Elimigreet studios instead. I don’t really want to visit H-E-double hockey sticks twice in the same day.
The now-trio is standing on a nearly empty soundstage. Clay grabs a microphone and does the standard "Check. Check. 1 – 2- 3," except it’s totally hawter when he’s doing it instead of Yedi. He addresses the two remaining contestants:
Clay: If you wanna hang with me and my crew, you’re gonna have to be able to bust a move on the dance floor. Lord knows no one wants to see me dancing, but I certainly want to see you dancing. And remember. Jumping (he does so) isn’t dancing. Waving your arms (he does so) isn’t either. So let’s see who can break it down while I sing.
He clicks the button on a karaoke machine behind him and the familiar refrains of WYSYLM spill out of the speakers. The two women just look at each other as Clay begins to sing.
Clay (interrupting his own singing): C’mon, y’all. You’re not even dancing. You’re gonna have to do better than that.
B: Clay! Clay! (motions for him to turn off the music but instead he shouts over it)
Clay: What?
B: You can’t dance to that song.
Clay: I know I can’t dance to it. That’s why I asked you to dance to it.
B: When I said "you" I meant "anybody" or maybe "nobody" as in "Nobody" can dance to that song.
Clay: What are you saying? I danced to that song nearly every night. (he starts doing the line dance)
B: Well, sure, you can do a little grapevine and a sideways rocking step. C’mon, Angelica. (the two join Clay and fall perfectly in line with his moves) But you can’t dance sexy!
A: Hang on! Some of us don’t want to dance sexy.
B: So how do you want to dance? Like how do they dance in your sorority?
A: Not sexy. We try to keep our movements more wholesome and spiritual, the same way that Carmen liked to dance when she was on tv with Clay.
B: HAHAHAHA! Oh my god!
Clay: Can I get a demonstration of that?
B: Clay, let’s put on some music you can actually move to, and I’ll give you a demonstration you’ll never forget. (she walks to the karaoke machine and presses the button for “Toxic”)
Clay sits on a stool, while Brodi channels her inner Britney at his left and Angelica channels her inner Carmen at his right. Clay is most amused by the competitiveness and utter skankiness of it all, and isn’t feeling a bit guilty since Angelica put a family-friendly spin on the whole production. He watches blissfully until something starts to bounce along his inner thigh. Clay tries his best to hide what’s happening, and eventually has to stand up to ease his discomfort. Brodi takes that opportunity to wrap her arms around him and encourage him to grind along with her. He does so instinctively and even starts singing along with the lyrics, until suddenly, he jolts back and shuts off the music.
B: Clay, what’s the matter? You seemed to be enjoying yourself.
Clay: My mom just called.
B: I didn’t hear a phone.
A: Neither did I.
Clay: That’s coss she sent me a vibrating text message.
A: Oh, I just adore Mama Faye! What did she say?
Clay: First, she’s not your mama. Second, I guess I should’ve told you guys that Mama’s been watching us from a satellite feed all day.
B: You’ve got to be kidding! Oops. (waves toward camera) Hey, Mrs. Parker! We’re all grownups here.
Clay: Anyway, I think Mama wanted to let me know that you guys were probably getting tired from all that dancing and whatnot, and that the time for fun was over and the time for making those hard decisions should begin.
B: She said all that? (looks toward his inner pants leg)
Clay: Not really. She said “You stop right now!” Loudly. (turns toward camera) Ouch, Mom. That phrase always stings, especially since certain things are even more sensitive than an inner thigh.
B: Okay, you’re either gonna have to stop talking like that or give me five minutes away from the cameras.
A: To do what?
B (thinks for a second): Praise the Lord.
A: Oh goody! I love it when I can be such a positive influence on other people. With me and Clay together you were sure to see the light. So Clay, did your mom tell you who you should pick? Because I’m pretty sure she likes me best.
Clay: My mama knows I’m a grown man and make all my decisions for myself. If there’s one thing my mama taught me, it’s to find my own voice and use it.
A: Gosh, you sound just like your book, which I’ve read like ten times but I already told you that, just like I’m also always telling people to “Let Clay be Clay,” which is like the total message in your book. Oh my god, we’re practically like the same person or something but not in that weird freaky way like CeCe. So who’re you going to pick, Clay? Please say me. Please please please.
Clay: Now, Angelica. You and Brodi have made this really hard for me because you’ve both been so amazing all day long. Initially, I was just going to pick the fan with the biggest, um, (hold hands up like he’s clutching two melons to his chest), y’know, just like every guys does on this show.
B (on the losing end of that battle): No, Clay, I think most guys pick the woman they think is most likely to sleep with them. Hello! (gestures toward herself)
A: Ewwww, that’s disgusting. Don’t people understand it’s more special to wait?
Clay (quietly to Brodi): I thought they went for the big...
B: Ehhh, it’s often the same.
Clay: Anyway….I’ve decided I am going to bend the rules again. Angelica, because you’re so enthusiastic, and because I’m not as easily distracted by screaming and sign-waving as much as I’m distracted by other more suggestive fan behavior, and because my mama’s going to be there too, I’ve decided that you and ten of your friends can come to my Jukebox Tour rehearsal.
A: YAY! He picked me, he picked me! I knew you loved me best!
Clay: Now, I didn’t say I loved you best. I said I was less likely to get flustered and whatnot at my rehearsal. Besides, I can’t wait to go online and see how many different colors my tie is, or if I’m even wearing one.
B (somewhat whiny): Oh, Clay, not only will we not know what you’re wearing, we won’t even know what songs you’re singing.
Clay: Exactly. But don’t be disappointed, Brodi. I told you I was bending the rules. Angelica, I’ll be seeing you probably sometime in July for that rehearsal, if I ever set it up, but Brodi, I’d like you and ten of your friends to meet me a week from Friday to spend an evening at my house.
Brodi looks completely stunned at her good fortune. Angelica isn’t really paying attention.
Clay: You know I’ll have to blindfold you so you don’t see where I live.
B: Sure thing, Clay. Hey, some of us may want to keep them on if that’s okay with you.
Clay’s not completely sure how to respond to this when the cellphone starts vibrating in his pantleg again. He waits for the entire message.
Clay: Yes, Mama, I am having them over to clean the house. You know I like older, more experienced women for their superior housekeeping skills, which works out fine since those same women just want to feed me and take care of me anyway. Bye, mom. (he snaps off his phone)
B: Y’know, a few of us have been itching to get into your laundry.
Clay: Don’t worry; you will. (winks)
Clay puts his arm around Brodi and they walk off together, talking all the while about laundry and cooking and chores oh my. Angelica is still jumping and screaming in place, and when she finally realizes she’s been left alone, she decides to run after the pair.
A: Hey! I won! I won, didn’t I, Clay? You picked me, remember? Oh my gosh, my friends are going to totally freak. I can’t wait to get home and PM all of them. We’ve only got like two months to design our t-shirts. Do you think we should make different designs or all wear the same one? Or maybe you’d like us to dress up in different types of costumes from like those olden times that you’re singing songs from. Oh, we’re going to have soooo much fun. What did people dress like in the sixties? Were women allowed to wear jeans back then? Oh, maybe John D. can give us all make-overs like he did for those other fans....
(fades out and cuts to the closing credits)
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