2005-06-18 - 5:54 p.m.
4pm, June 16, 2005, Clay’s house in LA
Mary comes into Clay’s entertainment room to find him and Nick in their pajamas, playing video games. Magazines, newspapers, empty pop cans, pizza boxes, and popcorn bags litter the room.
Mary: Wow, Clay, it looks like the earthquakes hit your place pretty hard.
Clay (not looking up from his game): Hey, Mary. Ha ha.
Mary: What’s funny?
Clay: I guess that’s the west coast equivalent of “Looks like a tornado ran through here.” If it bugs you that much, mom, feel free to clean up a little.
Mary (looking around): Oh god. This is just your typical mess. I actually thought maybe the earthquakes had done some damage. I mean, you just got back into town.
Nick (also not looking up): What earthquakes?
Mary: We’ve had like three pretty big earthquakes in the past few days. Don’t you even watch the news?
Clay: Earthquakes? We’ve had actual earthquakes?
Mary: You didn’t notice?
Clay: We’ve been busy.
Mary (sighing): I can see that. Where’s Jerome? Let’s get this thing going.
Clay: Jerome’s in the kitchen. It’s his turn to sit out before playing the winner.
Nick: What thing?
Mary: Some personal assistant you are. We’ve got to record that welcome message for your fan club. I pulled a lot of strings to be able to record it at your house instead of at a studio, or don’t you remember?
Clay (sighing, then putting down his controller): Oh right.
Nick: Man, dude, I was just about to earn an extra life.
Clay: But ya didn’t. And Mary, look at me. I can’t go out in public like this. When’s John supposed to come by and cut my hair?
Mary: He’s pretty busy getting his website up and running, but he thought he could fit you in this weekend.
Clay: What can he possibly be doing with his website? Those things practically run themselves. My hair, on the other hand, does not.
Mary: Um, can we just get this thing done? I actually have a few other things on my agenda besides pizza and video games. Anyway, Jerome told me he had a pretty good selection of recording devices to choose from.
Clay: Oh yeah, some of them are top-of-the-line. JEROME! Get in here. Bring the black and green bag with you!
Mary: While we’re waiting, why don’t we run through the script a few times?
Clay: Mary, how long have you known me now? I’ll do it in one take.
Mary: Well, we need to inject just the right amount of enthusiasm, as well as figure out just how “southern” we want you to sound. Your fans haven’t heard from you in awhile, so it should be perfect.
Clay: Trust me, they’ll be happy just hearing my voice again. Besides, they’ve come to appreciate my unique phrasing. Let’s see that script. (starts looking it over) Hmmm. It’s pretty short. But I’ve got a coupla words I can work with.
Nick: Let’s see. (reads along) I know! You could say “exciting!” like you’re really excited.
Clay: Well, that one’s a no-brainer, Nick. I was thinking about emphasizing the “O” in “official.” O-fficial. It could be a secret message to my enthusiastic fans.
Nick: I don’t get it.
Clay: O-fficial.
Nick: But what does the O stand for? Orange? I thought you didn’t want them knowing your favorite color.
Clay: Which may or may not be orange. But that’s not what the O stands for. Oooh, I know, maybe I could say oh-oh-oh-fficial.
Mary: Well, that just makes you sound like a girl.
Nick: I still don’t get it.
Clay: What else starts with O, Nick?
Mary (exxaggeratedly): Oh – oh- ohhhh.
Nick: Oh my god!
Clay: Now you’ve got it.
Just then, Jerome, who’s been listening in the doorway, enters the room and the conversation.
Jerome (giggling): You should probably go with the “Oh my god” if you want to be accurate.
Clay: What do you mean?
Jerome: You know what I mean, Mr. religious experience.
Clay: You stop right now!
Nick and Mary are trying to laugh quietly but can barely contain themselves.
Jerome: I wouldn’t be laughing too hard there, Mr. fine line between pain and ecstacy.
Nick: (gasps)
Clay: See! See! This is why I don’t like those twelve hour bus rides. Everybody knows your business.
Jerome: They wouldn’t if you could manage to hold off for twelve hours until you got to the hotel.
Nick and Clay: Twelve hours!? You’ve got to be kidding.
Jerome: Ha! I am kidding. I was in my twenties, too, once.
Mary (quietly): And still are, occasionally.
Jerome: WHAT?
Mary: You guys seem to forget that I was on that bus with you every night. And in my opinion, there didn’t seem to be much difference between the twelve hour rides and the four hour rides. Men.
All three men look mortified.
Mary: God, I think I really am invisible sometimes.
Clay: Maybe I’ll sing a song about that.
Nick: Wait. You already did.
As old as that joke is, the foursome break into raucous laughter. Jerome finds the best recording device he can from the stash in his goody bag, and Mary takes a seat next to Clay. Jerome turns on the recording device, and Nick does the three-two-one with his fingers. Just as he gets to one, and Clay opens his mouth to speak, Mary gooses him.
Clay: HEY! Welcome to my O-fficial fan club....
And it came to pass that Clay DID record that message on the first take, and everyone was satisfied. Well, separately, and in the privacy of their own homes. I think a lot of Clay’s fans found that message very satisfying also, in more ways than one.
Well done, Clay.
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