2005-06-05 - 12:35 p.m.

In his book Learning to Sing, Clay Aiken says he hears his mother's voice as the voice of his conscious. [And his friends say his dream to be the next Mr. Rogers is freaky?] Anyway, I'm glad that works for him. For me? Not so much. I certainly don't want to hear that nagging "I told you so...." or a heavy sigh followed by, "If you had only listened to me..." every time I do something stupid. No, I want to hear a hot, soothing male voice as my conscious. Preferably someone smart. And who's smarter or easier on the eyes and ears than your typical American game show host? Alex Trebek is probably the smartest of them all, but he knows it, and can come off a little sarcastic or condescending. So how would I know whether it was him or me talking? I wouldn't. So I picked someone else.

This is the true story of what happened to me and my brain when Clay made an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel show on February 14, 2005. Oh, I should tell you that my hubby is a Clay Hater, and recently coined himself the Anti-Aiken. He's evil, but he's mine and I love him.

*cue the music for "If I Only Had a Brain" from the Wizard of Oz*

Join us now as we follow the trials and tribulations of a hardcore Clack addict as she struggles to get her next fix. Our cameras will follow her into her bedroom and even into the dark recesses of her, er, of where her brain once resided. Will she get her fix? And beyond that will she get the shout-out she was looking for? Will she actually get two shout- outs? Or even two and a half? Or does she actually get one and a half shout-outs and a mild reprimand? You be the judge. Bear in mind that her supplier has a history of bossing her around....and she likes it.

Like he did to so many other fans, Clay put me in quite a predicament. Bad enough that I didn't get to see him for like, an entire month and a half, but then he decides to come back on Valentine's Day? Yes, Clay, I love you too, but I do have a hubby. But I also have a plan. Yes, it's time to bring out the "special" valentines gift.

*cue to Chuck Woolery*: Is that "special" as in:
a) after-school special,
b) special education, or
c) it's more special to wait?
Eeyore: Oooh, Chuck, that's a tough one. I'm still not quite sure what it means, but I'm going to say, "C - it's more special to wait."
Chuck: Let's find out if you're right.....

So I gifted Mr. Eeyore in a very special way, sure that he would go right to sleep and I could sneak out into the living room and share some stolen moments with my most beautiful boyfriend and several thousand other wanna-bes, plus a whole lotta crap they dragged in with them....though I didn't know that yet. But what does Mr. Eeyore do? Turn on the tv and watch the news. This is Canadian news we're talking about. It's, it's...just not good.

Eeyore: What are you doing?
Mr. Ee: I'm not tired.
Ee: But don't you have to get up at six to spread evil throughout the land, er, go to work?
Mr. Ee: Well, okay, then, turn off the tv.
Ee: I don't have to work until late so maybe I'll just catch Dana Carvey on the Leno show in the living room...
Mr. Ee: Dana Carvey? He's on? Let's watch it together. What channel?

*back to the game-show set*

Eeyore: Chuck, obviously it wasn't more special to wait. I'm going to change my answer to "B - special education."

Chuck: Are you sure about that?

Eeyore: I am if that means a special education teacher has to teach me where exactly my plan went wrong. He shoulda been knocked. out. cold. And yet I seem to have invigorated him.

Chuck: Ah, yes, the bitter irony of "it's more special to wait."

Eeyore: Huh?

Chuck: C is the correct answer. Y'see, many think that by waiting, things will somehow be more special. Yet they're just setting themselves up for failure. Surely you've discovered that by now. You've spent a lot of time waiting for Clay Aiken.

Eeyore: I know. And it totally sucks to have to wait to see him on tv. But with his concerts, I can console myself with the knowledge that he actually improves his performances over time, so I do get something more special for having waited.

Chuck: But don't you see? You're waiting. Not Clay. He's actually grown into the routine of his performance. By doing things over and over and over, he's setting himself up for success. Remember, practice does make perfect.

Eeyore: I get it. So I should've stuck to the routine stuff that I'm really good at.

Chuck: Or made the special stuff more routine. Again, bitter irony.

Eeyore: Okay. I know just what to do to have him sleeping in like five minutes.

Chuck: Good luck.

Well, I had Mr. Eeyore sleeping soundly in short order, but I couldn't exactly sneak out at that point. Neither could I see my boyfriend that well on a 20-inch tv way across the room, but I can see him! And he looks so incredibly beautiful! And he's three for three in his Kimmel jean selection! Now I just need to wait for my shout-out. C'mon, Clay, mention that supportive Vancouver fan....well, he does mention that his fans are "supportive." That's a start.

But what is with all the crap on the stage? Do his fans always have to make it about them? *the rhinestone-studded prongs on Eeyore's crown try desperately to poke her eyes out but their constant state of arousal makes this impossible...and Eeyore can add a second item to her list of solo pleasures that don't cause blindness....*

Clay so wants to give me that shout-out, but he's obviously been thrown off by the presence of pineapple on the pizza. I know! What's up with that? Why not just sprinkle it with sugar? Coss even if you scrape off all the pineapple pieces, their juices completely permeate the cheese and crust. The only thing worse for that is green pepper. You don't like those either, do you, Clay? Gosh, we have a lot in common. *takes another bite of chocolate and blissfully ignores the nearly 3000 slices of mushroom-topped pizza she's consumed in her lifetime* Well, I'm calling the pizza thing half a shout-out anyway.

Now they're talking about furniture, and how Clay didn't have any furniture when he moved into his new house, and Jimmy's suggesting maybe he should ask his fans for some. Hmmmm....Eeyore thinks back to a skit she wrote recently, where a character loosely based on her mentions to Clay, and I quote: "Clay, I've spent enough on concert tickets and merchandise to buy you several pieces of furniture." O.M.G. He so read my skit! But what's he trying to say? That it's not enough I provide him with the funds? That I also have to pick out the furniture and have it delivered to his house? Or was he just waiting for the JNT so he could get the matching end table? Hmmm...should I categorize that as a shout-out or a mild reprimand? *weighs pros and cons of each while lamenting the apparent demise of the cream colored leather sofa of chenille and flannel fantasy*

Back to the show.....omg. Did he just say what I think he said? Did he just call himself an equal opportunity geek? I'll have to watch my videotape to verify the "geek" thing, but I definitely heard "equal opportunity." Hmmmm....Wasn't it just this Sunday, the day before the Kimmel show, that I referred to my pal Wendy as an equal opportunity cheat? This is getting skeery. But it's so obvious he loves me. That's three times that he's taken my words and made them his own. Now I'll just sit back and wait for my charm.

*the doorbell rings and Eeyore is thrilled to accept her special nomatterthedefinition delivery.....and sees that she has finally graduated from the standard pointy crown of delusion to the larger velvet-covered crown of containment...just one step away from becoming a member of Clay's Royal " WE"*

*gloats to herself, "and some of them are still sporting tiaras...."*

p.s. I just watched my video, and I remembered that his acting totally doesn't suck! And what's with that cupid guy whose girlfriend wanted him to be "more creative?" I bet Clay was BWAH!-ing with the rest of his nation. And could finger-drumming be any cuter? Or that laugh? And boy, has he filled out so nicely.....*swoons*

Now why couldn't Kimmel get Clay into one of those outfits....? * swoons again*

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