2005-07-08 - 5:16 p.m.

Clay Blogged! EEEEEEEEE!

I can’t even imagine what he was thinking when he hit submit on his first entry. (aside: is it just me, or is computer talk all kindsa smutty? click, submit, entry. heck, even BLOG sounds suspiciously like BANG. and you wanna know what I did just now? I jiggled my mouse. well, that doesn’t sound so smutty when I say it, but just imagine Clay saying it....)

Anyway...when I write, I basically do it for myself, and figure that I’m my toughest critic. I like hearing that other people have enjoyed what I’ve written, but I’m not about to charge anyone for the privilege (burden?). No one is out there dissecting every word or trying to figure out my motivation (which I usually spell out very loudly and clearly anyway – I wanna have sex with Clay Aiken. Period.) But poor Clay. He’s gotta write something that’s gotta satisfy thousands of women. Fortunately, most of us are pretty easy. But the dude’s got a pretty diverse fan base. Can he satisfy all of us at once?

Yes. He is that good.

I used to think that Clay was giving me special shout-outs, since he frequently seemed to copy words or phrases I’d used anywhere from one to three days beforehand. And I’m not talking about simple, overused words like “dog” or “milk” or “mama,” but rather more complicated, uncommon words. This has happened three times: July 2004, Microcosm; September, 2004, Math and Measurement; February 2005, Equal Opportunity. (Oh yes, Clay, I’ve been keeping track. And how many times do I have to mention your d*ck before you bring it up in an interview? *g*)

But now I’m starting to think that Clay and I just share a brain. I started to get suspicious of this possibility when I read LTS and thought, “I could have written this” more than a handful of times. (Not that part about atheists though, but some of the other parts, and especially many of his picture captions.) But was I sharing Clay’s brain or Allison Glock’s brain?

That question was finally answered this week, when on Monday, July 4, I called Clay “freakin’ insatiable” right in this very guestbook (link at the bottom of page). On Tuesday, fans began to get their fanclub packages, complete with a Clay-penned letter, where he said he was “freaked out” that we were so “insatiable.” He obviously wrote that letter before July 4, so he clearly wasn’t copying me. But I hadn’t yet seen the letter (still haven’t) so I clearly wasn’t just copying him either. Skeery, huh?

I won’t be signing any autographs or anything, and I’m afraid I can’t answer many of the big questions, like is he or isn’t he, why is he so afraid of the water, how big is his d*ck really, or what songs is he singing on the JBT. But maybe, just maybe, I have a little insight into what he was thinking when he wrote that first blog entry. Or maybe I’m full of sh*t and making stuff up like I usually do (like at the top of this entry, when I said I can’t imagine what Clay was thinking? I totally made that up.). Either way, I did have some thoughts on his thoughts (and that’s not the only stuff of mine I’d like to have on the corresponding stuff of his). I submit them for your approval:

July 7, 2005 Inside Clay’s Brain

Okay, if I talk about my TV guide photo shoot, they might want to know more about the contents of the interview, so I’d better find a few ways to distract them. Maybe tease them a little while I’m at it. Let’s see. I’d better start with letting them know how much I enjoyed my nap, and how much better I feel now that I’ve had a little time to myself. I’m ready to play pop star again, and I’m gonna come back bigger and better than ever. Hmmm… I probably shouldn’t mention my mama. Or God’s plan for me. I guess I can say I was in such a good mood because of what I ate for breakfast. That’s innocent enough. Ooh. Better not tell them what it was though. Then they’ll all be wanting to eat it. Or telling me that I shouldn’t be eating it if I want to be healthy. Aww, heck, let’s just throw in a little astrology reference and they won’t worry about what I was eating that morning. (HAHA!) Maybe they’ll think I’ve gone Hollywood!

Okay, so now I’ll say how I enjoyed getting my photos taken, but I don’t want to encourage them to do the same, so I’d better give a subtle reminder that taking my picture can get you randomly tossed out of an arena. Hmmm…too subtle? Who cares, it’s time to distract them with thoughts of me getting dressed and undressed repeatedly. I hope no one’s picturing me trying to take my pants off without taking my shoes off first and then having my foot get all stuck in there, and me hopping around on one foot, all bent over while I’m trying to extract the other one, and oh Lord, I sure hope no one’s picturing that one time that I hopped so hard, I flew out through the curtain and landed on that assistant who was standing right there and I couldn’t get up what with those corduroys around my ankles, and all I was wearing was one t-shirt and those Yosemite Sam boxers that a fan sent me. The look on that assistant’s face! Thank goodness my gun didn’t go off! HAHA!

Man, that was pretty funny. I wonder if my fans are as easily distracted as I am? Okay, back to my blog….Oh, goodness, Nick said I wouldn’t be able to type this next word, and he even double dog dared me. Well, buddy, get ready to wear a dress to the first concert. The only real question is if I can type the word without putting the word gigantic in front of it. HA! I did it! That’ll give the fans something to talk about. Or choke on! HAHA! Oops. I’d better get back to being a little more serious. Hang on. Let me just put the “job” in quotation marks. Hee. I am so bad.

Okay, back to business again. Mention TV guide cover again, don’t allude to article content, I’m still allowed to have a few surprises up my sleeves, or maybe in my pants pockets (stop it!), hmmm, maybe it’s time for another distraction. Let’s see. A reference to either tight clothing or my shoes usually does the trick. Aw heck, I’ll do both. See how much I love my fans? Hmmm, but I don’t want to sound like I’m better than people who may have thrown their shoes or phones or anything else in a moment of frustration, so I’ll let them think it could happen to me too. Even though it wouldn’t. I don’t think. Hmmm, I’d better wink when I say it. And that should be it….but what’s this? I have to say what mood I’m in and what I’m listening to? Okay, whatever. Mood? Happy. Listening to? Well, I don’t want them to know I’m listening to my new CD, since they don’t even know it’s been recorded yet, and I’m not quite ready to make that an official reality on my website, so maybe I’ll just ask for their suggestions. Lord knows they give them even when I don’t ask! Awww. I really do love my fans. And I hope that comes through in my first official entry. Yup. I think it’s got something for everyone. Upbeat and friendly on one hand and just a tad smutty on the other. Now, all that’s left is for me to hit submit and cross my fingers that a few of them actually respond to it.

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