2007-02-18 - 10:28 a.m.
Note: This skit works best if it’s read in the same spirit in which it was written. This is a spoof on a typical Law & Order: SVU episode, with all the series regulars delivering their lines in their trademark dramatic style. If you’re not a fan of the show, keep in mind that Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) is tough but compassionate, and Elliott Stabler (the dreamy Chris Meloni) is brooding, suspicious, and very aggressive in his questioning technique. Detective Munch is played by Richard Belzer and Detective Tutuola is played by Ice-T.
LAW & ORDER: SVU - THAT SONG IS ADDICTIVE
Voiceover: In the musical justice system, some crimes are so heinous that they require a dedicated field of specialists to investigate and prosecute them. We call this unit the Special Victims Unit.
*dung dung*
February 15, 2007
A couple of high school students are rushing to catch the subway in NYC. They quickly stop to purchase their tokens.
Boy #1: Hey, lady. We’re in a hurry.
Boy #2: C’mon. What’s the matter with you?
The woman seems to ignore them, as she quietly hums a few incoherent words to herself. She then bares her teeth, contorting her entire jaw into strange expressions before she sighs blissfully and lets the boys through the turnstile for free, then goes back to her humming.
Boy #1: That was weird.
Boy #2: Tell me about it. I ain’t complaining about the free ride, though.
They board the oncoming train and try to move to the back, but there’s another woman blocking their path. She seems to be humming a similar tune as the woman from the token booth, while she’s admiring her own reflection in the subway window. She is also baring her teeth, licking them, and making other bizarre facial expressions while she laughs and sings to herself.
Boy #2: Whoa. Check it out, dude.
Boy #1: Both chicks musta got pretty messed up on some funny stuff last night or something.
Boy #2: Both chicks? Try every woman on this train.
The scene pans out to the entire subway car, where nearly every woman is humming, sighing, and contorting in unison.
Boy #1: Dude. We better call someone.
ROLL OPENING CREDITS AND THEME SONG
Back at the station house, Detective Munch is in the middle of his summation of the case so far:
Munch: The boys who called it in recognized there was something strange about the song the women were singing. It’s got what they described as an “addictive” quality. Since that first report, we’ve had reports from all over the precinct of women in the exact same state of musical bliss. Several women who work in office buildings have also been reported to be spending inordinate amounts of time staring at the fax machines. I’ve put out a few calls and it’s not just our precinct or even New York City. Something musical has gotten into women all over the country.
Tutuola: We’ve been able to decipher a few of the lyrics, and we’ve mapped them out here. (He points to the crime chart, which is a giant map littered with pictures, post-it notes, arrows, and mathematical calculations.) “Tiger,” “True Love,” “Got Love?” Yesterday was Valentines Day, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
Benson: Wait. There’s no traditional Valentines music.
Munch: Precisely. This crime is modern, cutting edge. The song and the lyrics can’t be found in any of our databases. We’ve run all the numbers, cross-referenced a couple of tigers, and it appears the song originated in booth A22 at the Slauson Swap Meet in South Central, LA.
Benson: You can pinpoint the location that precisely?
Tutuola: Since CSI started, it’s amazing what technology can do.
Stabler: South Central LA? Wouldn’t that imply rap music or hip hop?
Munch: You would think so, but listen to this: (he holds up a small digital recorder which plays the incoherent warblings of random affected females)
Benson: That’s not like any hip-hop I’ve ever heard.
Tutuola: Precisely. Which is why we’re handing this case over to you two. Pop music crimes are your territory.
Benson: Crimes, yes, but what’s the crime here?
Munch: This city, no, this entire country, has practically shut down as women everywhere are unable to function. We need to know where this song came from and who’s released it so wrecklessly.
Benson: Grab your bags, Elliott. It looks like we’re going to LA.
*dung dung*
February 16, 2007
Booth A22, Slauson Swap Meet
Benson: Mr. Creative? I’m Detective Benson from the musical crimes unit, and this is my partner, Detective Stabler. We have a few questions for you.
Kreativv: Musical crimes? Since when is music a crime?
Stabler: When it shuts down an entire demographic.
Kreativv: Demowhat?
Benson: Mr. Creative, you’re not in any trouble, we just have some questions about one of your customers.
Kreativv: You can drop the mister. It’s just Kreative, with a K and two Vs.
Elliott turns around with his hands on his hips and checks out the merchandise at the booth while Olivia continues the questioning.
Benson: Okay. Kreativv. We have reason to believe that a pop singer came by this booth to purchase some of your artwork, sometime around Valentines Day.
Kreativv: Pop singer? You mean like a white guy?
Benson: We think he may be white, yes.
Kreativv: Oh man, cause the whitest dude I ever seen was here two days ago. Hey, that was Valentines Day, right?
Stabler: Did he sing?
Kreativv: Dude sang or hummed constantly. He was cool, though. He commissioned a couple of t-shirts. Oh man, the only thing whiter than him was his teeth!
Benson: Did you get his name?
Kreativv: Nah, he paid cash. Good tipper.
Stabler: What about the t-shirts? What did they look like?
Kreativv: Well, the one was supposed to look like the dude himself, but he had some album promo shot or something and it didn’t look nothing like the guy standing in front of me. The other guy was Jimmy Kimmel – with a K and two Ms.
Stabler: Jimmy Kimmel? I know who he is!
Kreativv: Figures.
Stabler: (leaning in aggressively) What’s that supposed to mean?
Kreativv: Nothing. Chill, man. You just seem like the beer and football type is all.
Stabler: That better be all.
Benson: Thank you, Mr. Kreativv. You’ve been most helpful.
*dung dung*
Jimmy Kimmel’s Office
ABC Studios
Jimmy is still wearing his Clay Asian t-shirt and is happily sucking helium from the dying crop of red heart-shaped balloons surrounding him.
Stabler: Jimmy Kimmel?
Jimmy: (munchkin-voiced) Who’s asking?
Stabler: I’m Detective Stabler from the musical crimes division.
Jimmy: What do you want with me? I don’t book the talent for the show.
Benson: Where’d you get that t-shirt?
Jimmy: (laughing) This’s from my buddy, Clay Aiken.
Benson: Is that supposed to be him?
Jimmy: Yeah, it’s pretty funny, huh?
Stabler: Aiken….He’s definitely a pop singer.
Benson: And extremely white.
Jimmy: Hey, are you poking fun at my friend?
Stabler: Of course not. Tell me, was he on your show recently?
Jimmy: Yeah, on Valentines Day. It’s kind of a tradition.
Benson: Did he sing a song while he was here?
Jimmy: Oh yeah, it was pretty funny too. He really had me going for a minute, saying he hadn’t prepared anything, but then he started singing sayings from those candy hearts. I knew he was teasing when he whipped the microphone out of his pocket. That guy's always prepared to sing.
Benson: (remembering her last meeting with Clay Aiken) A microphone….so that’s what that was.
Stabler: Would you have a copy of that song by any chance?
Jimmy: We can probably get something from the guys in the control booth. (quietly to Olivia) And that wasn’t what it was. (he sucks some more helium)
*dung dung*
Sarah Silverman is in the control booth, swiveling slightly in a chair, watching Clay sing the Candy Song. She stares blissfully at the screen as she hums along.
Jimmy: Sarah! What are you doing here? You told me you had a headache!
Sarah: (snapping to) Jimmy! I, uh, I did have a headache, but then I was feeling better so I decided to stop by to surprise you. Surprise! Have you been into the helium again?
Jimmy: You know I’m getting help for that. These detectives are looking for…
But Benson and Stabler have already started to watch the infectious candy tune that is running on a continuous loop.
Benson: That’s it! That’s the song!
Stabler: (quietly) It’s freaking brilliant. Man, that’s talent.
Jimmy, Sarah, and Elliott are all mesmerized by the song.
Benson: Quick, Jimmy, do you know where Clay Aiken is now?
Jimmy: Uh, I think he went to Washington. He’s on some presidential committee or something.
Stabler: Presidential committee? Is there anything he can’t do?
Jimmy: Get a tan..? (Sarah elbows him.) Ow.
Benson: Call the station and see if Aiken is still in Washington.
Stabler: (snapping his phone shut) Nope. Back in Raleigh.
*dung dung*
Clay Aiken’s mansion
Raleigh, North Carolina
Clay Aiken answers the door. He’s wearing (ed. note: I figured I’d put it in or somebody was sure to ask. *g*) faded jeans, his Kimmel t-shirt, and nothing else.
Clay: Yes?
Stabler: Holy mother! Those teeth!
Clay: Yes, they’re blinding, I know. My friend Alison is boiling a few pots of tea. We’re gonna try to dye them to more of a winter white. Now, who are you?
Benson: Mr. Aiken, don’t you remember us? I’m Detective Benson and this is Detective Stabler. (waits) We’re from the Musical Crimes Division.
Clay: Yes, now I remember! How is she?
Benson: How’s who?
Clay: My song! You guys were investigating her attempted murder.
Stabler: Oh yes. We’re under strict orders not to release any information about that.
Clay: But it’s my song!
Stabler: (gets in Clay’s face) And it’s my job to protect her! (backs off as Clay stares him down. He talks quietly.) There are some things you’re better not knowing. Look, undercover work is a dangerous business, but the song is strong. She has a fighting chance. We’re not giving up and neither should you.
Clay: Never. But if you’re not here about my song, why are you here?
Benson: (pointing to his t-shirt) Kimmel. You sang a song on his show.
Clay: Oh yeah! I really had him going for a minute, thinking that I hadn’t prepared anything. Actually, I hadn’t prepared, but I figured if my fans can write poems from random words and spinning balls, I can certainly write a song from some random candy hearts.
Stabler: Have you heard this song you allegedly didn’t prepare? Do you know what it’s done?
Clay: (more serious now) I haven’t heard it, actually. I wanted to watch the telecast, but I had to catch a redeye to Washington.
Stabler: Presidential committee. We know.
Benson: So you’re saying you have no idea what effect the song has had on the women of America?
Clay: No. It was just a silly made-up song. What could it have done?
Stabler: The song seems to have an extremely addictive quality, just like the candy hearts which spawned it. You know, Aiken, you really need to be a bit more careful with your talent. Use your power for good.
Clay: I do use it for good! I’m going on a trip for Unicef next month.
Stabler: Good god, man, is there nothing you can’t do?
Clay: Um, I can’t swim.
Benson: Look, you seem like a nice guy, and the song sounds like more of an accident than something premeditated. We can only hope the effects wear off in a few days and the business world can get back to normal.
Stabler: Boy, I only wish that song had been around last summer. It could have washed away some of the stench that Federline and Hilton left behind.
Benson: Don’t forget; Hilary Duff’s CD is coming out soon. ( to Clay) Any chance you can stage another accident then and heal the musical landscape?
Clay: (leaning in to the detectives) Believe me, I’d love to, but my music isn’t exactly promoted the way it should be. If you two can get my music heard, I’m willing to keep on singing.
Benson: (looks deeply into his eyes) I’ll see if I can call in a few favors.
Clay: Thank you.
Stabler: (shuffling his feet a little) Speaking of favors, (he cocks his head) I’ve been confronting some personal anger issues and I’m trying to get my life and my wife back together. Any chance you can sing that candy song for her?
Clay: It’d be my pleasure.
The two men start chatting while they walk to the pool room, as Olivia follows a few steps behind.
Benson: (in a quiet voice) I don’t know, Elliott, this could backfire...
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